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Equality & Hierarchy (Biblical Marriage Basics #2) [King’s Cross]
Christ Church on September 25, 2022
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The Fear of the Lord (Biblical Marriage Basics #1) [King’s Cross]

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INTRODUCTION

As we begin a series on biblical marriage basics, we begin with two primary characteristics that are often missing from marriages: gratitude and the fear of the Lord. These are characteristics that may seem opposed to one another, but if we understand the gospel rightly, they actually go quite well together.

Consider this series review for those of you who are married, and preparation for those of you preparing for marriage. You will not make much progress in Christian marriage unless you are deeply grateful to God and you fear Him.

THE TEXT

“Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God” (Eph. 5:20-21).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

As Paul exhorts the Ephesians to love one another, He identifies the heart of that love as deep and constant gratitude to God for all things, in the name of Jesus (Eph. 5:20). We give thanks to God for all things in the name of Jesus because He is the Lord Christ, the Messiah King of all things. This is also why we submit to one another in the fear of God: we are all subjects of the King (Eph. 5:21).

SOVEREIGN GRACE & PEACE

This kind of gratitude only makes sense in a world that God rules exhaustively (Eph. 1:11). Those who do not want God to be sovereign over all things are ultimately saying that there are certain things you don’t have to give thanks to God for since He didn’t do them. And this is because the sinful heart of man is always looking for some angle to take credit for (Eph. 2:9). But if we are required to give thanks to God always and for everything, then God is ultimately responsible for all things.

Does this mean giving thanks for evil? We must not condone or praise evil at all, but if even evil is under God’s sovereign rule (and it is), then yes, we must give thanks for how God even bends and governs evil to conform to His plan. Scripture says that Herod and Pontius Pilate and the Gentiles and the people of Israel conspired against the Lord and His Christ “to do whatsoever thy hand and thy counsel determined before to be done” (Acts 4:27-28). Do we thank God for the Cross – the site of the most wicked act in the history of the world? Then we can and we must respond like Job to horrific hardship: the Lord gives, the Lord takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord (Job 1:21). And if this is the case in general, then it most certainly is the case specifically when it comes to your family, your marriage, your spouse. Give thanks for all of it, always. Make lists of all the good things and meditate on those things (Phil. 4:8). Gratitude is the plow that breaks up the hard soil of hard hearts. Gratitude is what allows you to see the big picture clearly. This is how God’s peace rules and guards our hearts and minds (Phil. 4:7-9).

SUBMITTING IN THE FEAR OF GOD

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom (Prov. 1). It was the fear of God that drove Abraham to obediently take his son up the mountain to sacrifice him (Gen. 22:12). When Jacob made covenant with Laban, he swore by God, whom he called the “Fear of Isaac,” his father (Gen. 31:53). The midwives feared God and did not obey the Pharaoh’s wicked decree to expose the Hebrew baby boys (Ex. 1:21). Joshua charged Israel to fear God and serve Him in sincerity and truth and put away their idols (Josh. 24:14).

You cannot have a biblically healthy marriage apart from the fear of the Lord. You cannot have wisdom without the fear of the Lord. You will not be able to be obedient, keep your covenant vows, stand up to evil, or put away your idols if you do not fear the Lord.

The fear of the Lord teaches you to honor others rightly (1 Pet. 2:17). Husbands and wives are first of all fellow image-bearers (Gen. 1:28) and secondly, they are co-heirs of the grace of life (1 Pet. 3:7). In Christ, husband and wife are brother and sister, and there must be a deep reverence for one another in the fear of the Lord (Eph. 5:21). When God calls two Christians together, He is calling them to follow Him together. When God calls two Christians together, He is saying that they will be most equipped to serve Him together. In the first instance, your assignment is to submit to Christ, fear the Lord, and therefore, in Christ, there certainly is a mutual submission as you follow Christ together.

APPLICATIONS

There is a kind of egalitarianism that camps out on this verse about mutual submission wrongly, but there is also a kind of pigheaded patriarchalism that completely ignores it. We want to be Biblical Christians, and this means that we want to embrace this verse and obey it and all of the ones the follow it. We believe in mutual submission in the fear of God and in the headship of husbands and the submission of wives in the Lord. Deal with it.

This mutual deference and kindness flows directly out of the gospel of grace. Christ is Lord of all because He was crucified for our sins and rose from the dead. The resolution of Paul that He is persuaded that nothing can separate us from the love of God and that in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us – that all things must work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose – that is only possible if Christ is Lord of all things, if all things serve Him (Rom. 8). But if all things serve Him, then we must give thanks for all things, all the time, and tremble before His majesty.

And some of that majesty is particularly revealed in your spouse, in your marriage. So give thanks there; tremble before the Lord there.

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Wrecking All Rivalry (How God Builds #2)

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INTRODUCTION

Rivalry, envy, and vain-glory has gunked up the gears of human relationships from the very first pages of Scripture down to the present. Regardless of the relationship, whether between individuals or nations, rivalry slowly begins to fill the room with fumes. An explosion is waiting to ignite from the smallest spark. Man has accustomed himself to building his empires this way. This isn’t how God builds.

THE TEXT

Wherefore remember, that ye being in time past Gentiles in the flesh, who are called Uncircumcision by that which is called the Circumcision in the flesh made by hands; That at that time ye were without Christ, being aliens from the commonwealth of Israel, and strangers from the covenants of promise, having no hope, and without God in the world: But now in Christ Jesus ye who sometimes were far off are made nigh by the blood of Christ. For he is our peace, who hath made both one, and hath broken down the middle wall of partition between us; Having abolished in his flesh the enmity, even the law of commandments contained in ordinances; for to make in himself of twain one new man, so making peace; And that he might reconcile both unto God in one body by the cross, having slain the enmity thereby: And came and preached peace to you which were afar off, and to them that were nigh. For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father. Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God; And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone; In whom all the building fitly framed together groweth unto an holy temple in the Lord: In whom ye also are builded together for an habitation of God through the Spirit (Eph. 2:11–22).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Passing from the good news of Ephesians 1:15-2:10, Paul then turns to assure the Ephesian Gentiles that they are not second class citizens in God’s household. They were once called “the Uncircumcised”, and thus were strangers to the covenant promises, without hope & without God (vv.11-12).

But the blood of Jesus has brought near those who were once far off (v13), bringing peace by demolishing the wall which prevented Gentiles from coming any closer (v14). The rivalry which once marked the relationship between Jew & Gentile has been abolished by Christ’s flesh, because by His incarnation as the True Israel of God, national Israel’s laws have not only been fulfilled and satisfied, but the blessings promised to Israel have been expanded to include all nations (v15).

This reconciliation was possible by the cross, where enmity was slain (v16). Paul cites Isaiah’s prophecy of the messianic restoration of Israel (Is. 57:19), and applies it to Jesus. Christ accomplished what Isaiah foretold: peace to both far and near through His Word, granting access to the Father by the same Spirit (vv17-18).

Now, the Ephesian Gentiles were no longer reckoned as strangers, but fellow-citizens, of God’s household, they didn’t need a visitor’s visa (v19). The foundation of this house was the teaching of the apostles & prophets, but the chief cornerstone is Jesus Christ (v20). It’s by this ministry of reconciliation that God is building a dwelling place for Himself (21-22). God takes Jewish bricks & Gentile bricks, and by the mortar of Christ’s blood, builds a temple in which His presence dwells.

ENGINES WITHOUT OIL

Trying to get a group of people to get along without the regenerating power of the Spirit is like trying to get an engine to work without any oil. Inevitably the friction of slights, envies, gripes, and grievances will cause the engine to seize up.

Mankind has tried several workarounds. But these routes only make things worse: the route of avoidance, the route of compromise, & the route of war. But regardless of the level of the relationship––whether it be intimate relationships like marriage, or national relationships––the temptation to enmity & rivalry is too irresistible.

When you take the route of avoidance, you’re opting to endure the noxious fumes rather than clear the air. You’d rather suffocate from the carbon monoxide of pent up grievances, than make peace with “them”. Or else you covet the position of being included in some group of “them.” You compromise your conscience & tear others down in order to get in. Or else you choose war, and go scorched earth on “them”. Your rival must be wiped off the face of the earth, or at least the family group chat. In other words, we’re a tangled mess of disappointed desires, gnawing envies, and arrogant boastings.

ONE NEW MAN

This is the temptation which faced believing Jews & Gentiles in Ephesus. A long-standing bitter rivalry existed between them. One commentator notes that the Jews’ feelings for the Gentiles was that “The Gentiles were created by God to be fuel for the fires of hell.” The Gentiles were dogs. They were the Uncircumcision & Unclean.

The Gentiles weren’t innocent in this ongoing feud. Gentile nations, after all, refused to help Israel during the Exodus (Ex. 17:8). They’d cheered when Babylon razed Jerusalem (Ps. 137:7). There was deeply ingrained animosity towards the Jews (Cf. Acts 16:20). These frequent skirmishes led to Jerusalem’s utter destruction in 70AD.

This human tendency to break into Hatfields & McCoys is one of the central dramas of human existence. The central problem wasn’t the fact that humans developed distinctions. That’s the natural outcome being fruitful & multiplying. The central problem was that we were sundered from God Himself. Having turned from God in Eden, mankind had been driven out from the presence of God. The fruit of this was seen in the next episode: brother slaying brother.

While the Jews had been given the privilege of coming near to God, it wasn’t from any special deserving on their part (Deu. 7:7-8). They had no cause for glorying. God had chosen them, yes. But He’d chosen them to solve the math equation in front of the whole class. The Israelite nation had, on the whole, failed miserably.

Meanwhile, the Gentiles had continued to run from God’s presence, worshipping the demons behind their idols. Neither the Jew who was near to God through the covenant, nor the Gentile who was far from God could stand before the holiness of God (Cf. Rom. 3:9ff). Both stood guilty before God’s holy law.

Christ came as a wrecking ball to all vain-glory, whether it be individual vain-glory, national vain-glory, or any other variety of human boasting. By His righteous life & death He broke down the partition wall between earthly rivals, because He first tore the veil which separated man from God. In so doing, He made one new man, a temple for His glory.

A BLOOD LOYALTY

The realization that the tendency to claw each other’s eyes out at the slightest provocation lies just under the surface for any of us, does nothing to free us from it. You can know that rivalry can use anything for fuel, and still find yourself running from those you should reconcile with, or fighting with those you should reconcile with, or capitulating to those you shouldn’t be sidling up to.

All human enterprises will escalate into fractious bickering until blood is shed. All our efforts to hold society together requires blood to be shed. The “others” must be slain. The “invaders” must be slaughtered. The “pariah” must be sacrificed to appease the gods.

Mankind demands loyalty. But it’s a loyalty based on the shame of sin. Sinful loyalties lay their foundation on ethnic vain-glory, or bitterness towards other’s success, or irrational fear of man, or having joined together to shed innocent blood. Notice that modern day appeals for unity & inclusion seek it on the basis of shared sin & approval for sin.

Christian unity is founded on shared forgiveness for sin. What Christ has done is make it possible that your sins, and “their” sins can all be forgiven. And thus we can forgive each other, as God through Christ forgave us (Eph. 4:32). Christ proclaims peace to both near & far. Only there, at the cross, do we find peace. Peace with God & peace with each other. The cross demands us to all see our own sin, and to see God’s wrath upon it. But also, we see there our righteousness. If you’re both in Christ, God calls you––and your rival––righteous.

ENMITY IS SLAIN

As one pastor once wrote, “This enmity cannot be cured, it must be slain.” You cannot kill it, but die it must. Who is your rival? Who pushes your buttons? Who do you schmooze & flatter? Who do you despise?

Are they your brother or sister in Christ? Then your boasting or envy or rivalry is a return to the old man, not resting in the one new man which Christ has made. Are they an unbeliever? Then your envious wrangling with them is trying to erect a wall which Christ broke down. You are to invite those far off to come in close.

Outside of Christ the law declares everyone guilty. Apart from the Messiah, everyone is a covenant breaker driven far off from God’s presence. Without Jesus, your passport says you aren’t a citizen. But all your guilt. All your shame. All your rivalry. All your enmity with God & man. It is slain. The only way for all your enmity to die, is if it dies in Christ. This holds true for all who come; even your fiercest rival.

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The Glory of Marriage (King’s Cross Church)

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INTRODUCTION

As we have noted previously, sinful humanity hates God, and therefore since it cannot actually strike God, it strikes His image wherever it can be found. This is why there is such vehemence against men and women, and this is why the covenant of marriage has been a central target. The Christian response to all of these attacks should be to double down, recognizing the potency of being joyful men and women and honoring marriage in particular.

THE TEXT

“This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph. 5:32-33).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

This is the summary of what Paul has just said in more detail: a husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the church, and a wife is to respect and submit to her own husband as the church submits to Christ in all things (Eph. 5:22-24). The particular picture given is that of a head and body (Eph. 5:23), and that image is applied in the command to husbands to love their wives as their own bodies (Eph. 5:28-29). This is because “we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones” (Eph. 5:30). And all of this is based on the biblical teaching that when a man and woman marry, they become one flesh (Eph. 5:31).

HEAD & BODY

One of the key concepts that couples have to continually lean into is covenant. We say this word a lot, but what we mean is the notion of responsibility. Individualists can only think of personal guilt, but it turns out that individualism is already a form of abdication (“am I my brother’s keeper?” Gen. 4:9). We are not mere BBs rolling around in this world; we are individuals united in various covenants (family, church, nation) and covenant-like relationships (schools, businesses, and other associations). In each of these covenants, there are leaders and members. And the thing to note here is that leaders are responsible for what takes place in the organization.

Authority flows to those who take responsibility, but it flees those who abdicate and blame. This is what it means to be the “head.” Responsibility doesn’t mean personal guilt in every instance, but responsibility does mean gladly owning the challenges and problems personally. If you’re the ship captain, not every action on board the ship is done by you, but you’re responsible for it all. Jesus took responsibility for His bride, and this is the model for all leaders, especially husbands. Jesus wasn’t personally guilty of any of our sin, but He gladly took covenantal responsibility for it.

UNIFIED FRONT

One of the central signs of this covenantal thinking and living is driven by the pronoun “we.” As that great Christian calendar verse says, “As for me and my household, we will serve the Lord” (Josh. 24:15). There is all kinds of room for discussion, different perspectives, and dialogue, but when the husband makes the final decision, the husband and wife must own the decision together, saying, “we decided…,” “our decision…,” “our position…” regardless of whose idea it was. This is the case even when a husband fails to make a decision. Abdication is a decision. This unity is particularly important when there were different preferences and when the decision doesn’t go well. If the husband takes his wife’s counsel and it goes badly, the husband must insist that it was his decision, and not waffle or let it fall on his wife at all. And if the wife submits to her husband’s poor decision, she must not go along with it with a bad attitude or half-heartedly, and if it does go badly, she must not say, “see, I told you so,” or worse, tell her friends, “yeah, that wasn’t mydecision.”

In Prince Caspian, Trumpkin the dwarf volunteers to go on a dangerous mission that he argued against, and Caspian asks, “But I thought you didn’t believe in the Horn, Trumpkin.” And he replies, “No more I do, your Majesty. But what’s that got to do with it? … You are my King. I know the difference between giving advice and taking orders. You’ve had my advice, and now it’s the time for orders.” This is covenant loyalty. Nothing corrodes loyalty and friendship like blaming one another for decisions or talking about your disagreements with others. A husband and wife must be on the same team and present a united front to their kids and the world because they have been made one flesh and because Christ is faithful to His Church. This doesn’t eliminate the need for occasional outside counsel or input, but that should be done as a team, unless it is a true crisis or emergency.

CONFESSION OF SIN & FORGIVENESS

The joy of the Lord is the oil of gladness, and that oil is what keeps all the moving parts in a marriage running smoothly. If there is regular friction, hurt feelings, passive-aggressive criticism, and arguments, you can bet that there is a backlog of sin, bitterness, and resentment. And that means you are not walking in the joy of the Lord. You’re not walking in the light, and you keep tripping over past sins, guilt, and failure. The only way back into the light and joy is through confession of sin, first before God and then to those you have wronged (1 Jn. 1:4-10).

It’s very important that you get right with God first and foremost because if you only confess to your spouse, you will functionally be trying to get from your spouse what only God can give. Fundamentally, when we confess and forgive one another on the horizontal plane, we are only echoing or “amen-ing” what God has already accomplished on the vertical plane. But if you’re not right with God, your apologies can be pure manipulation. We confess because we have confessed to God, and we forgive because God has forgiven. This is how you can have Christian joy regardless of how anyone around you is doing or responding. Both husband and wife must do this individually, but it is the particular responsibility of the husband to take responsibility for his marriage on his knees.

CONCLUSION

We love because He loved us first. We forgive because He forgave us first. We take responsibility because Christ took responsibility for us. He was perfectly innocent, and He became sin for us. He was a spotless lamb, and God laid on Him the iniquity of us all. All of this means that every marriage is a picture of the gospel, a revelation, a mystery of Christ and His Church. The only question is whether it is an accurate picture, a faithful picture, a good picture or not.

Every human marriage falls short of the glory of God, but it is the glory of God to heal and restore. Where sin has abounded, grace abounds still more. This is not only the grace of confession and forgiveness; it is also the grace of repentance, the grace of change, the grace of loyalty, the grace of humility and taking responsibility.

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Real Forgiveness

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INTRODUCTION

Everyone knows that the Christian faith revolves around the forgiveness of sins. But because there is a gospel logic involved in it that eludes every form of carnal reasoning, we have to be careful to understand what is actually involved. What is real forgiveness?

THE TEXT

“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Eph. 4:31–32).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

There are two ways of conducting life together. One of them is the enemy of life together, and the other is the true friend of life together. One drives us apart and the other knits us together.

The first is the way is the way of keeping score, with the intention of winning. It is the way of bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice (v. 31). This all sounds pretty bad, but we have to remember that all these plug-uglies travel under an alias. They call themselves righteousness, and have a deep commitment to being right. This approach makes koinonia community impossible.

The alternative is kindness and tenderheartedness. And the way that kindness and tenderheartedness “live out” is by forgiving one another, and doing so in exactly the same way that God has forgiven us for the sake of Jesus Christ (v. 32).

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT

We often feel like we are asking God for His forgiveness when what we are really doing is asking Him to accept our excuses. And because we know that we are to forgive as we were forgiven, as per our text, we often seek to forgive others by agreeing beforehand to accept their excuses, when possible. But (unlike ourselves) they had better have a good one.

Our problem is that, when living together with other sinners, we frequently run smack into what can only be called inexcusable. And because it is inexcusable, our scheme with the excuses cannot work.

Forgiveness deals with sin. And sin, by its very nature, is inexcusable. But what is inexcusable is not (thank the Lord) unforgivable.

PARDON ME AND FORGIVE ME

If you accidentally back into someone during fellowship hour, and make them spill their coffee, you naturally say pardon me, or please excuse me. By this you mean to say that you did what you did to them in a way that was entirely unintentional. They respond accordingly—don’t mention it. No problem. The accident was an accident, and it was therefore excusable.

But suppose you looked across the fellowship hall, and there saw your enemy, as pleased with himself as a conceited Pharisee could be, and so you lowered your shoulder and ran straight into him, knocking him clean over. Under such circumstances, the only reason you would say “pardon me” would be if you had decided to taunt him after bowling him over. In this case, your behavior is inexcusable.

That doesn’t mean that nothing can be done about it. The inexcusable is not the same kind of thing as the unforgivable.

A MIXED BAG

But there is another category. What if we don’t have something that is purely wicked or purely accidental? Suppose it is a mixed bag.

Yes, you snapped at the kids, but it was at the end of two days of migraine headache. Yes, you said some things to your wife that were rude and thoughtless, but she was the one who started the argument, and would not let it go, not even after you had asked her to. You had asked her three times. Yes, you sent an email to your boss that you regret sending, but it was 2 in the morning, and the beer you had made you careless.

There are extenuating circumstances, in other words. But we should all remember two things about this. The first is that we will tend to stretch our legitimate excuse part to cover over our sin part. But the only thing that can actually cover sin is the blood of Jesus Christ. When apologizing, we lead with the excuse. “Bob, sorry about yesterday. I had a long day, and I didn’t really mean what I said.” And Bob often responds in kind (because he wants to play the same game when he needs to). “Oh, well, because you didn’t mean it, forget about it.” In other words, because the “you” who said those things was not the real you, he can let it go.

The second problem is that we want our excuses to be way stretchier than our neighbor’s excuses. But as C.S. Lewis pointed out one time, the chances are excellent that our neighbor’s excuses are way better than we tend to believe. And it is also true that our excuses are way lamer than we think they are. When we handicap the competition between us and our fellow Christians, we are not nearly as objective as we think we are. 

A VARIATION OF THE GOLDEN RULE

The basic Christian response is to forgive as we have been forgiven. In our text, the apostle Paul is simply repeating what the Lord taught us when He taught us to pray. Every time we pray the Lord’s Prayer, we ask Him to forgive us as we forgive others. The way many Christians live, the room actually ought to become much quieter when we get to that part.

“Lord, please doubt the sincerity of my repentance the way I doubt his. Lord, dismiss my excuses with a wave of your hand the way I dismiss his excuses. Lord, keep a hidden tally so that if I sin in this area again, You can bring everything up again, and throw it in my face, the way I do with him. Amen.”

The Golden Rule teaches us that we should do for others what we wish they would do for us. This is in the same spirit, but there is a higher level of danger in it. Here we are asking God to treat us the way we treat our brother. If I give my brother an orange, he might give me an apple. But if I give my brother a stone when he asked for bread, and then I ask God to treat me in the same way, I may find out the stone is one that will crush me. God can give me a much bigger stone than my brother ever could.

BY GRACE ALONE

But how is this consistent with salvation by grace alone? “For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses” (Matt. 6:14–15). If you refuse to forgive your brother, you are not failing to earn your salvation. If you refuse to forgive your brother, you are revealing to the world that you have no understanding of what salvation by grace through faith actually is. Remember that Christ is all.

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