Christ Church

Colossians (Mike Lawyer and Brian Marr)
Christ Church on June 11, 2020
Read Full Article

Anger

Christ Church on

Download Audio

Text

But while the meat was still between their teeth and before it could be consumed, the anger of the LORD burned against the people, and he struck them with a severe plague. (Num. 11:33)

Then David’s anger was greatly kindled against the man, and he said to Nathan, “As the LORD lives, the man who has done this deserves to die, (2 Sam. 12:5)

“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. (Eph. 4:26-27)

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. (Eph. 4:31)

Introduction

Few things destroy people faster or more completely than anger. It crushes those it is unleashed upon and it shatters the person who has gotten angry. It often destroys every kind of relationship and even when forgiveness has been requested and granted, things just don’t seem to be what they were. It destroys relationships, homes, churches, governments, and businesses. Uncontrolled and sinful anger is a terrible, terrible behavior/emotion.

Understanding Anger

Anger is an emotion, usually followed by some kind of subsequent action. Anger usually builds on a number of other factors: the person’s overall perspective on life; the person’s understanding of himself; the person’s understanding of the particular situation; how he has been trained to act in various situations; and many more.

There are two types of anger: righteous anger (not sinful) and unrighteous anger (sinful). The following are a few examples from the Bible when anger was not sinful: God expresses anger with sinful mankind (Psa 7:11; Ex. 4:14; Deut. 29:27-28). Jesus became angry with his disciples (Mk. 3:5), and the money changers (Jn. 2:13-17). Paul was angry with the Athenians (Acts 17:16) and told the Ephesians to be angry but not to sin (Eph. 4:26).

Unrighteous anger or sinful anger springs up when we believe that an injustice has occurred against us. We get angry, naturally, when an injustice has occurred. But when the injustice is against us and wounds our pride, we sin. When we sinfully put ourselves into the place of God, deciding what is just and what is unjust and who the victim is, we sin.

Our anger is sinful when it: involves brooding or fretting (Psa. 37 especially verse 8); when we keep a running account of wrongs (Lev. 19:18; 1 Cor. 13:5); when we pretend we are not angry; when we justify our anger; when we return evil for evil (Pro. 29:11, 22); when we attack a substitute (Mt. 5:21-22; 1 Sam. 20 Saul went after Jonathan when he was angry with David). This last one includes yelling at a pillow, punching a bag, and yelling at the counselor.

Righteous anger, on the other hand, will have these characteristics: The godly man will 1) Be wise—he’ll see the big picture (Prov. 29:11) and he won’t let his emotions rule him. 2) Analyze the situation—what is going on? What is at the heart of this issue and/or event? 3) Ask, what is my role in this situation? What has God called me to do or be in this instance? 4) Content to let God take vengeance and orchestrate the right punishment of evildoers. He understands that he has not been called to act for God in this instance. And if he has been called, a prison official for instance, he will do his duty with aplomb and trepidation. 5) Constructive in his confrontation with the others involved in the incident (Gal. 6:1; Mt. 7:1-5). 6) Forgiving. 7) Joyfully move on. He will do this even if he hasn’t the opportunity to confront. He has faith that God is faithful to do what God wants done.

Where Anger Comes From

The Bible tells us that we become angry when our passions are aroused and we either can’t get what we want, or we get what we don’t want. And out of this springs fights, quarrels, and murder. It all goes back to what we think about ourselves with regard to the universe. What is our perspective of things? We need to know that our perspective is governed by what is in our hearts, and our hearts are the center, or the core of our being. What we think, feel, and do when things get hot reveals our heart. It produces our thoughts, motives, intentions, behaviors, etc. Who we are in our heart is who we actually are and who we are is expressed when things get hot (see the three trees illustration).

In The Theology of Christian Counseling, Jay Adams has this to say about the heart’s involvement in our thoughts and behavior:

In order to help us better understand the biblical meaning of heart, let us ask, “What, then, is set over against the heart, if anything;?” The answer is always, without exception, the visible outer man. Worship that one gives with his lips (outer, visible, audible worship) when his heart (inner, invisible, inaudible) is far from God is a good example of this contrast (Matt. 15:8). We are instructed that man looks on the outward appearance, but (in contrast) “God looks on the heart” (1 Sam. 16:7). Without multiplying references, it is safe to say that everywhere the Bible uses the word heart to speak of the inner man (or, as Peter puts it in a thoroughly definitive way ‘the hidden person of the heart.’) Plainly, then, heart in the Bible is the inner life that one lives before God and himself; a life that is unknown by others because it is hidden from them (pp. 114-115).

The following are some of the underlying characteristics that come along with anger and their Godly counterparts:

Apart from God With God
Pride Humility
Defensiveness Meekness
Control (must rule, power) Faith in God
Fear (might be hurt or die) Trust in God
Love (the wrong things) Love God and love what God has for you
Stands for Justice God will meet out justice
Strong Desires (must have) Rejoice in the Lord
Will not discuss any viewpoint other than his Easy to chat with others
Has a worldly focus Sees things from God’s perspective
Quarrelsome/contentious Peaceful, calm
Has no clue about grace Full of Grace
Provokes others to join him, even against him Works to maintain the bond of peace

 

Help for the Angry Person

How do you counsel the angry person? The answer to the question depends on the situation. Does he know he has a problem with anger and wants help? Does he know he has a problem and doesn’t want help? Does he know something is wrong, but not what it is? The response to each of these questions would prompt a slightly different direction to take in the counseling process. So let’s assume he knows he has a problem with anger, but gets angry easily. You will want to approach him in a way that reveals his heart to him, but does not fire him up. I suggest that you use the method we taught in the first series of talks.

Why we give homework and what is the goal

We give homework from the Bible so that studying it will reveal that God is God. Your friend needs a new understanding about how he fits into the universe that God has ordained. I often ask people to read Psalm 119 and pay attention to who God is, who the psalmist is and what his situation is, the attitude toward God and his law, and the emotion he displays toward God. The goal here is to have God create a new attitude in the person about who God is, who he is before God, what emotions are all about, and how he should begin to think about others in that context. I have him read passages like Ephesians with special emphasis on 4:26-27. I want the counselee to think about how he might become angry and not sin. I will also point him to 4:31-32 and ask him to think about how he might obey the first part of the passage and fit the second into his life in these particular circumstances. I want him to meet with God in the homework and wrestle with the things God is telling him about anger and love.

Practical Suggestions for the Moment

What we have been talking about has been aimed at the heart, for permanent change. But there are some things that may need to be addressed for the short and immediate term. For example, the man might be getting angry right now and needs some kind of immediate attention, even if we know that it is only short term solution. The first thing I would suggest is that you begin by telling the man to stop getting angry. Saying something like, “In the Name of Jesus Christ, stop it!” actually works and is helpful. Second, suggest to the man that he keep a journal of the events where he becomes angry. This will allow him to see patterns and traits in his story. Third, he needs to anticipate the times when he is likely to become angry and prepare himself to love the other person instead of becoming angry. Fourth, remind him to take as a matter of faith, that God will take care of the other person, “vengeance is mine, says the Lord” (Rom. 12:19). Fifth, point out to him that this is a trial, and God is using the trial to make him more godly when he comes through it well (Jas. 1:2-4). Sixth, suggest that in a moment when anger is not an issue, that he discuss the problem with X in a way that builds up X rather than tears X down. Seventh, point out that God puts up with a lot more from him than he has put up with from X, and God does not respond with anger toward him (Psa. 130:3; 1 Pet. 4:8). Finally, remind him to confess his sin and to confess it honestly including that he meant to say and do all those terrible things because he has hatred in his heart. He knows that it is sin and will never do it again. He needs to do this every time he becomes angry because the more he does it the more he will be convicted of his evil heart and will reach out to God for release and freedom from his passions.

Peeling the Onion

Generally, particular sins don’t appear all by themselves. Anger is one of those sins. It is almost never alone. Anger comes because of something else hidden behind it. People who get angry are generally full of fear: fear of losing face, losing power, being hurt, and a myriad of other things. All this hides an even deeper self-centered sin—pride, self-idolatry, personal god hood. It also reveals fear that goes deeper than what we see on the surface. Fear that people will discover that he is filled with despair, darkness, loneliness, guilt, and shame.

Sometimes this will all come out if you simply ask, “Why do you get angry when this happens?” Many times you will need to go through the questions regarding individual events. But to really deal with anger, the counselee must go down to the core of his heart and have God cleanse him from his guilt and shame. As God does this, the darkness will lift, the loneliness will go away, the despair will be filled with fullness of purpose. With a new heart the counselee will be able to love others with a real love that is actually concerned with their well-being. There will be no sense of Self involved. God will fill the counselee with joy instead of anger.

Recommended Resources

Robert Jones, Uprooting Anger: Biblical Help For A Common Problem

Rick Horne, Get Outta My Face!: How to Reach Angry, Unmotivated Teens with Biblical Counsel

Lou Priolo, The Heart of Anger

Peter Wilkes, Overcoming Anger

Wayne Mack, Anger & Stress Management God’s Way

Powlison, David, “Anger: Escaping the Maze,” a booklet from P&R publishers.

Homework by Bob Somerville

Becoming a doer of the word.  “But prove yourselves doers of the word, and not merely hearers who delude themselves.” (James 1:22)  The following questions have been designed to enable you to begin to practice God’s Word in your life.

  1. Using a concordance look up every reference to God’s wrath and anger. As you read each verse try to answer the following questions from that verse. You will need additional paper since there are over 80 references to God’s anger.
    1. What characterizes God’s anger?
    2. What stirs up God’s anger?
    3. What is the result of God’s anger?
  2. Now write a paragraph summarizing what you have learned about God’s anger by answering each of the three questions under # 1 above.
  3. After doing the above study examine the last 5 times you got angry and ask the question, ‘Did I get upset, irritated and/or angry over something that would have caused God’s righteous anger to be stirred?’ or ‘Did I get angry because my perceived rights were offended?’
  4. The Bible teaches that evil thoughts, words and actions come out of what fills our heart. (Study this truth in Matthew 12:34-36; 15:18-19; Mark 7:6-23; Luke 6:45.)   Matt 7:1-5 teaches that we need to examine our own hearts to remove the logs that would hinder us from ministering to others.  Therefore each one of us has a responsibility to examine our own hearts. Ask yourself this question: ‘At whom or what is my anger most often directed?’
    1. At Others –
      • If so record whom and what they do that irritates, angers or frustrates you.
      • Now determine a kind, tenderhearted, compassionate, forgiving response to replace your angry response.
      • Ask God to enable you to respond in the way of kindness, compassion and forgiveness.
    2. At Objects, things (like machinery that doesn’t work), circumstances –
      • If so record what objects, things or circumstances anger you. (Apply Bullets 2 & 3 under 4.a.)
    3. Yourself
      • If so record what you do that angers you.
      • Determine a godly response. If your sin angers you then confess, repent and make a plan for godly change.  (1 John 1:8-10; Pr 28:13)
    4. God
      • What has God done that angers you?
      • Determine God’s ultimate plan in what He has done. (Apply Romans 8:26-39)
      • See Jerry Bridges, “Trusting God” 1990, Nav Press. & Elizabeth Elliot, “A Path Through Suffering,” Vine Books, 1990.
      • Determine to cooperate with God in His plan.
    5. Fight anger with Proverbial Truth
      1. Read through the book of Proverbs.Read one chapter per day for a month.
      2. Record every verse that deals with bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, any misuse of the tongue and malice.
      3. Choose the fifteen verses that most apply to your life. Start memorizing one verse per week for 15 weeks.  EVERY TIME YOU REVIEW THE VERSE FOR MEMORY PURPOSES BE SURE TO PRAY AND ASK GOD TO ENABLE YOU TO PRACTICE THE TRUTH OF THAT VERSE IN YOUR LIFE.  (1 John 5:14; James 4:2)  Continue to review all the verses until the project is completed. Review all verses after the completion of the project until they are completely committed to memory.
      4. Do a “Discovering Wonderful Things” study sheet on each verse and ask God to change your life according to the truth taught in that verse. (see the sample sheet attached)
    6. Study James 1:19,20. Do a “Discovering Wonderful Things” study of this verse.  Determine at least three practical steps that will enhance your ability to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
    7. Study Matthew 5:21-26. How are murder and anger compared in the teaching of Christ?  Where does murder start?  In these verses what takes precedence worship or reconciliation?  In these verses who is responsible to go and make reconciliation?
    8. Keep an ‘Anger Evaluation Journal’ this week.
      1. Record every instance of bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander and malice. Include things that upset you or caused you to develop an irritable attitude.
      2. Record as follows:
        • Date/Time
        • What triggered the attitude or action?What happened?
        • What type of anger did I exhibit?
        • What was I thinking at the time?
        • What did I actually do?
        • What did I want in the situation?
        • What would God have desired me to do?(Give chapter and verse for your understanding of God’s will in the situation)
        • Make a plan for a godly response the next time this situation occurs.
      3. Putting Away Sinful Anger By Giving Up Your Rights To God
        1. Learn to distinguish between righteous anger (when God’s rights have been offended) and unrighteous anger (when your rights have been offended).
          • Would God be upset by what is happening here?
          • Am I only upset because my rights have been offended?
        2. Know your perceived rights.List them
          • You have a right: to be understood-  to speak your own point of view –  to use your own possessions as you see fit  – to be understood  –  to be loved by your family  –  to use your time as you see fit  –  to choose your own friends or entertainment  –  to travel where you like  –  to a clear reputation  –  to be appreciated  – to marry  –  etc
        3. Know that you get angry when your perceived rights are offended.
        4. Know that as a Christian all of your rights belong to God and give them up to Him.
          • This is your responsibility as a disciple. Luke 14:33; Rom 12:1,2
          • This demonstrates that you are striving to be like Christ. Phil 2:3-11
          • Give each of your listed rights to God.
        5. Balance your expectations:
          • If God does not give a right back to you then thank Him for the test (James 1:2) and ask Him what you can learn from this situation about the fruit of the Spirit. (Gal.  5:22,23).
          • If God gives a right back to you consider it a privilege and thank Him for it. (1 Thess 5:18)
        6. Let all sources of irritation and anger become an alarm clock that turn you to God in prayer. Pray for kindness, tenderness, a forgiving spirit and the fruit of the spirit in your life.  (Eph 4:32; Gal 5:22,23)
        7. Warning!! You cannot give up your responsibilities.
 

“DISCOVERING WONDERFUL THINGS” Psalm 119:18

Before you begin to study…Pray for understanding! (Proverbs 1:23)

PASSAGE Ephesians 4:31-32       DATE: _______________

 

 

OBSERVATION

What does this passage say?  Write out the text.  Read the text out loud slowly in different translations.  Memorize it.

  

INTERPRETATION

What does this passage mean?  (Define words, see cross-references, and examine the context). Write out the interpretation.  Is there a doctrine (teaching) to know? What declarations of the Gospel are included in this text? How does God’s work in the Gospel motivate you to obedience? What are the imperatives in this text? – Is there a reproof (a sin to avoid)?  Is there a correction (a command to obey)?  Is there instruction in righteousness (practical steps in how to put off the old nature and put on the new nature)? Eph 4:17-32; 2 Tim 3:16.

  

APPLICATION

How does this passage apply to me?  How does this passage show us God’s love & grace given to us in the Gospel? Be specific. Write out the Gospel declarations related to this passage. These may be found in the greater context of the passage.  How should this change my life?  What specific things can I do to apply this truth to my life?  Write down what you are going to do, with whom and for whom and when you will start.

  

PRAYER

Write out a personal prayer praising God for what the passage affirms about God’s work on your behalf and asking God to accomplish in your life what the passage demands.
 

Eph 4:31-32 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.  (NASB)

Eph 4:31-32  Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion, rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander (evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or baseness of any kind). 32  And become useful and helpful and kind to one another, tenderhearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as God in Christ forgave you. (AMP)

1. God expects me to put away anger, wrath, clamor, slander and malice.

2. God expects me to be kind and tender-hearted towards those who cause me to want to do the above.

3. God expects me to forgive others as I have been forgiven.

  

Define words like:

Bitterness

Wrath

Anger

Clamor

Slander

Malice

Tender-hearted

Forgiving

Cross References:

Colossians 3:12-14

 

  

I must cease having a bitter and harsh spirit in my heart towards my boss because he promoted Fred to the job I wanted.

I must treat my boss with kindness instead and I must have a forgiving spirit towards him.

I must cease from my angry outbursts when others offend.

I must evaluate the situations in which I become irritable and loose my temper.  I must discover what it is that sets me off, triggers my anger and I must determine a kind, tender-hearted forgiving response.

I must ask God to help me to respond with kindness and not with anger.

I must study the forgiveness of God in great detail so that I might forgive others as I have been forgiven. (I will read Forgive as the Lord Forgave You by Patrick Morrison and study The Peacemaker by Ken Sandee to understand forgiveness.)

 

  

Father, show me whenever I have any bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, evil speaking or malice in my heart.  Father help me to put off all bitterness, wrath, anger, and loud noisy complaining. Help me to stop talking about others in a negative way.  Help me cease from my desire to get even with others.  In every situation where I am wronged today help me to respond with kindness, tenderness and a forgiving spirit.  Thank you for forgiving me through Christ and for giving me the power through your spirit to obey you.  In Jesus name, Amen!

Fruit in your life!

What happened in my life because I applied this truth?

 

 

 

 

 

“DISCOVERING WONDERFUL THINGS” Psalm 119:18

Before you begin to study…Pray for understanding! (Proverbs 1:23)

PASSAGE:                             DATE: _______________

 

 

OBSERVATION

What does this passage say?  Write out the text.  Read the text out loud slowly in different translations.  Memorize it.

  

INTERPRETATION

What does this passage mean?  (Define words, see cross-references, and examine the context). Write out the interpretation.  Is there a doctrine (teaching) to know? What declarations of the Gospel are included in this text? How does God’s work in the Gospel motivate you to obedience? What are the imperatives in this text? – Is there a reproof (a sin to avoid)?  Is there a correction (a command to obey)?  Is there instruction in righteousness (practical steps in how to put off the old nature and put on the new nature)? Eph 4:17-32; 2 Tim 3:16.

  

APPLICATION

How does this passage apply to me?  How does this passage show us God’s love & grace given to us in the Gospel? Be specific. Write out the Gospel declarations related to this passage. These may be found in the greater context of the passage.  How should this change my life?  What specific things can I do to apply this truth to my life?  Write down what you are going to do, with whom and for whom and when you will start.

  

PRAYER

Write out a personal prayer praising God for what the passage affirms about God’s work on your behalf and asking God to accomplish in your life what the passage demands.
 

 

 

 

 

 

      

Fruit in your life!

What happened in my life because I applied this truth?

 

 

 

 

Read Full Article

Communication

Christ Church on

Download Audio

Text

Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another… (Eph 4:25-32).

Introduction

The whole point of salvation is so that God will be glorified in our communication with him and through our communication with one another. Everything points to one or the other of these two areas of relationship and very often both. And even when they are not both being considered, communication between people is always related to the status of our communication with God. Sin separates us from God (Isa 59:2) and from one another.

Be Honest

In Christ, we belong to one another. In fact, we are the body of Christ, therefore we are more accurately all part of the same body—Jesus’ body. Since we are members of one another, we ought to communicate with one another in a particular way. This way begins with “Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col 3:9-10 ). The flip side is to be honest to one another. Having said this we need to remember that this command comes to us in a context of loving one another. With this in mind being honest does not mean that we should communicate every thought that flits through our mind, no matter what it is. If our comment or conversation would bring unneeded pain or suffering to the one we are talking, we should simply keep it to ourselves. Always remember that love covers a multitude of sins (1 Pet. 4:8).

Also, under the topic of honest communication, if someone says, “how are you today?” and it is clear that they actually want to know how you are doing, if you feel lousy, tell them. Remembering the above, don’t dump on them, but don’t tell them everything is fine, when it isn’t.

Be Current

Bumps and dings come to us all the time. We get angry with one another because we aren’t getting what we think we deserve, or because we get what we don’t think we deserve (James 4:1-3). We’ve already talked about how to make things right. What I want to do here is to mention that the sooner you can make things right the better. Waiting will only tempt you to further sin: more anger, bitterness, imagined sin. You need to keep short accounts.

Rules of Thumb

Start the relationship in a good place. From there, always give the benefit of the doubt to the other person in the relationship. Trust that they are telling the truth. Give them the benefit of the doubt when what they are saying doesn’t quite make sense. Trust God in trusting them. Let love rule in your life and in your relations with others.

Work on listening first; to hear what they are saying and trying to say. Try to listen first and express yourself later and only if you really need to. When you share your thoughts and feelings do it in a way that anticipates the way the other person hears and understands things. Don’t assume that because you are a certain way, she is too. Study one another so that love will be “other” focused.

Work on imitating Christ in laying down your life for one another in every area of your lives (Jn. 10:15; 15:13; 1 Jn. 3:16).

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person” (Col 4:6). “Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him” (Col 3:16-17).

Love aggressively, proactively. Love first. Love last. Make love your goal. Rejoice all the time (1 Thess 5:16). Think of ways to help others rejoice as well. Work on loving in a way that makes it possible for others to be caught up in your love and carried along by it to the throne of God.

If you become angry, do not sin (Eph. 4:26). Consider how to turn your anger into something redemptive and eternal.

Rather than cursing those who do mean things to you, bless them (Rom. 12:14). Remember that loving your enemies is just as efficacious as loving your friends. However, in the case of enemies it work in another direction. It pours burning coals on their heads (Rom. 12:20).

Talk about everything (plans, dreams, pain, feelings, desires, conflicts, etc. not gossip) with your spouse, but do it in a way that honors the way they want to hear things. Don’t nag, don’t be sarcastic, don’t insult one another, don’t trample on one another’s weaknesses, repent from your strengths, realize that your greatest weaknesses are tied to your greatest strengths. Use your speech to build one another up. Be one another’s greatest cheerleader.

Timing is important: A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver (Pro 25:11). Whoever blesses his neighbor with a loud voice, rising early in the morning, will be counted as cursing (Pro 27:14). To make an apt answer is a joy to a man, and a word in season, how good it is (Pro 15:23)!

Be aware of Communication Killers: Lies (Mt. 5:33-36 Eph. 4:25); Busyness and distractions. Kids, work, hobbies, TV, friends, and even church; Self-centered conversation: not listening, interrupting, monopolizing, hasty speech, unnecessary correction, boasting (Pr. 18:13; 18:2; 10:18; 20:20; 27:2; Jas. 1:19; Ecc. 5:2); angry, cruel, hurtful words. (Mt. 5:21-22; Pr. 10:11; 12:18; 15:1, 28; 16:21,23-24; Jas. 3:5-8; Eph. 4:29, 31); speaking in absolutes: “you always” “you never;” bullying, threatening and manipulating; nagging. (I Pet. 3:1-2 Pr. 25:24); negativity and grumbling; public criticism; harmful body language and other non-verbal communication (Pr. 6:12-15; 10:10; 16:30); refusal to communicate; clamming up; side tracking and avoidance; bitterness and dwelling on the past (I Co. 13:5).

Homework/Practical ways to build up your communication

  • Set regular times in which you will give undivided attention to each other.
    1. Daily debriefing.
    2. Bi-weekly date.
    3. Semi-annual get away.
  • Worship together.
    1. Family devotions.
    2. Pray together as a couple and as a family
  • A communication exercise.
    1. The husband explains the wife’s point of view.
      1. Without interjecting his own point of view or why hers is wrong.
      2. The goal is that she will say: “Yes, you really understand me”.
    2. Then the wife explains the husband’s point of view. (Same rules)
    3. Then the wife responds to the husband.
    4. Then the husband responds to the wife.
  • Set goals together. We’ll talk about decision making when we talk about Biblical family structure next month.
    1. Family goals. Career, location, ministry.
    2. Personal goals.
    3. Goals for the children.
  • Have fun together.
    1. Don’t just work at solving problems.
    2. You also need to relax and enjoy one another.
  • The same principles of communication and conflict resolution apply in other relationships: i.e. children.

For further study

Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, Tim Lane and Paul Tripp

A Quest for More, Paul Tripp

Peace Maker, Ken Sande

FAMILY CONFERENCE TABLE

PLACE:

Agree upon an area in which daily conferences may be held without interruption. Choose a table, preferably one that is not used frequently for other purposes. Hold all conferences there. If problems arise elsewhere, whenever possible wait until you reach home to discuss them—at the conference table, of course. For the first three weeks read Ephesians 4:17-32 each night before conferring.

PURPOSE

The conference table is a place to confer, not to argue. Begin by talking about yourself—your sins and failures—and settle all such matters first by asking and giving forgiveness (don’t forget to hug). Ask also for help with your log (cf. Matthew 7:4-5).

Speak all the truth in love. Do not allow any sin to be carried over into the next day. Not all problems can be solved at one sitting. You may find it necessary to make up an agenda and schedule out the work over a period of time according to priorities. Direct all your energies toward defeating the problem as it relates to you, not toward the other person. Your goal is to reach biblical solutions, so always have Bibles on the table and use them. It helps to record the results of your work on paper. Open and close conferences with prayer. When you need help, reread Ephesians 4:25-32 (remember the principles).

PROCEDURES

First, open the conference in prayer. Second, identify any sin on your part (husband leads). Confess it as your sin. Ask for forgiveness. The other should grant forgiveness. Hug.

If any conferee argues, “clams up” or does anything other than calmly chat at the table, the others must rise and stand quietly. This prearranged signal means, “In my opinion we’ve stopped chatting.” Whether he was right or wrong in this judgment does not matter and ought not to be discussed at the moment. The person seated should then indicate his willingness to discuss the topic without sinning, and invite others to be seated again.

In counseling we will discuss ways to overcome the temptations you face. Make a list of these as you confess them to one another. Take care to notice patterns.

Family conference table

  1. Set up a unique table in a unique place.
  2. Same time every day.
  3. Love, fellowship, Christ’s likeness is the goal.
  4. Communication is the means
  5. Giving information (feelings, facts, emotions, events, etc.)
  6. Receiving information
  7. Starting on the same page (theologically, commitment level and direction, economics, children, etc.)
  8. Remember not to argue—learn and listen
  9. Rules:
  10. No sinning allowed

If sin occurs it must be dealt with quickly and without more sin

  1. Husband calls family conference,
  2. Calls it every day
  3. Wife takes notes/minutes
  4. Open & close with prayer
  5. Some kind of bible study should be used. Usually in the context of the day’s particular issue, problem, or project
  6. Each person talks about the problems from their perspective
  7. Don’t get defensive
  8. Remember not to argue—learn and listen
  9. Remember that you aren’t finished products yet. Change happens slowly sometimes. Let the other person change.

Begin by reading Eph 4:25-32

If you can’t simply discuss the various issues that come up, we will work on them in counseling. Don’t try to “fix” things that can’t be fixed yet. Part of the counseling process is to learn how to discuss things with one another.

This is a program with well-defined goals, methods, and rules. It is intended to give hope to the couple that things can be accomplished.

Read Full Article

Depression

Christ Church on

Download Audio

Text

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?  (Ps. 42:5)

You have taken my companions and loved ones from me; the darkness is my closest friend. (Ps. 88:18 NIV)

When the sun rose, God appointed a scorching east wind, and the sun beat down on the head of Jonah so that he was faint. And he asked that he might die and said, “It is better for me to die than to live.” (Jon.. 4:8)

Introduction

Depression has become ubiquitous in our culture. Both men and women suffer from it, including kids and even animals (http://pets.webmd.com/dogs/features/depression-in-dogs). Everyone, it seems, is suffering from depression.

What Depression Feels Like

There is a range, or spectrum, of feelings associated with depression from mildly melancholic to dramatic levels of clinical depression. Here are a few descriptive phrases from people trying to describe their experience with depression:

The images are dark and evocative. Desperately alone, doom, black holes, deep wells, emptiness. “I felt like I was walking through a field of dead flowers and found one beautiful rose, but when I bent down to smell it I fell into an invisible hole.” “I heard my silent scream echo through and pierce my empty soul.” “There is nothing I hate more than nothing.” “My heart is empty. All the fountains that should run with longing are in me dried up.” “It is entirely natural to think ceaselessly of oblivion.” “I feel as though I died a few weeks ago and my body hasn’t found out yet.”

Depression… involves a complete absence: absence of affect, absence of feeling, absence of response, absence of interest. The pain you feel in the course of a major clinical depression is an attempt on nature’s part.., to fill up the empty space. But for all intents and purposes, the deeply depressed are just the walking, waking dead.

Abraham Lincoln suffered depression, “I am now the most miserable man living. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on earth. Whether I shall ever be better, I cannot tell; I awfully forbode [sic] I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible. I must die or be better, it appears to me.

“There was no control on my mind—thoughts ravaged me, brutally harsh ideas, thoroughly crushed ideals, incomprehensible feelings.” The mind is stuck. How can people think about anything else when it is there? “I’m in a straitjacket.” “I’m completely bound and tied up—there is a gag in my mouth.” Without one’s normal mental resources, the world is frightening. Panic. Left unchecked, hallucinations and delusions can seize the imagination with such force that they are indistinguishable from reality itself. Self-reliance seems impossible. Infantile dependence is the only way to survive. Being alone is terrifying. Abandonment is a constant fear. “I fear everyone and everything.

The only thing you know is that you are guilty, shameful, and worthless. It is not that you have made mistakes in your life or sinned or reaped futility. It is that you are a mistake; you are sin; you are futility…God has turned his back. Why bother going on in such a state? You might as well join God and turn your back on yourself too.

(These descriptions came from Ed Welch, Depression: Looking Up From the Stubborn Darkness)

Causes of Depression

When we begin to talk about causes of depression it is important to note first of all that depression is not always caused by sin. There are a variety of biological causes of depression that need to be considered before assuming that a person is not handling their life well. Various medications can have depressive as side effects. Also, problems with hormone levels, thyroid problems, etc. can cause depression. In addition, if a person continues taking depression medication when they no longer need the medication, they can have even more depression as a side effect. For example, if a woman is taking depression medication in order to balance her hormones (e.g. due to postpartum depression), once her hormones get back into balance, she can become even more depressed because the medication may sling her over to the depression ditch on the other side. For this reason, I start a session with a person reporting depression with a number of biological questions: have you seen a doctor for your depression? What kind of doctor? What kinds of tests were run? What were their findings? Etc.

While depression may not always be caused by sin, depression is always a form of suffering. A person who is depressed because of the meds they are taking, or because of something else going on in their body, still needs to draw near to God and to treat the depression as she would treat any other form of suffering.

Another factor to consider is that depending on how you define the term, Jesus may have been depressed a few times: Jesus said, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” (Mat 26:38); and “Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? ‘Father, save me from this hour’? But for this purpose I have come to this hour” (Jn. 12:27); Paul, speaking of Epaphroditus, adds, “Indeed he was ill, near to death. But God had mercy on him, and not only on him but on me also, lest I should have sorrow upon sorrow. (Phi 2:27). You might argue that this is not properly depression, merely sadness. Either way, we know that Jesus did not sin and Paul is not apologetic about his sorrow.

So, depression may not necessarily be caused by sin, or even be related to sin. It may, however, be a source of temptation to sin, which once given in to, may create a downward spiral that didn’t begin because of sin.

Some Things to Keep in Mind

Having said all this, we need to know that unless the depression is a result of something going on in the body, it is almost certainly the result of something going on in the spiritual life of the person. It could be that they are afraid of something, their body is reacting to something done against them, they have unconfessed sin in their life and the conviction of the Holy Spirit is tormenting their soul, or something else. I’ve already alluded to the soft balloon being squeezed between the hands. Another way to view this is to understand that the heat of life warms up until we feel like we must do something. That something is often sinful. At the end of the day, it is all about temptation, desires, and personal make up. When things get tough, what is our response? What do we do when things aren’t going our way? Do we run to God? Or do we run to our pet desire, lust, peaceful place, a drink, or other kind of idol? What do we substitute for God when the trauma of life hammers us? Depression is where many people go when things are difficult. They don’t always go there on purpose, but sometimes it is a peaceful place, at least at first. It is a familiar place. And familiar is what is needed in the moment.In other words, depression can be caused by the squish, or heat of life. This is where Biblical counseling plays a redemptive role.

What clues should we be watching for while we chat with our friend, or counselee, that points to sin as the probable the culprit in her situation? Here are a few typical topics people use when describing their story that point to sin: fear, anger, guilt, shame, loneliness, jealousy, unfulfilled wants/desires, and despair over loss. The person who is depressed is generally very self-focused. As you listen to him, you can almost see him turning in on himself; into a self-absorbed ball. He has bought into the notion that life is about happiness and self-indulgence; that he has a right to be entertained and that boredom is bad. This is all hidden behind the depression, telling the person to surrender, life is over, life is worthless, he is worthless. But these are all expressions of idolatry. The person expressing these has promoted himself over God and said, “God made me ugly, he lied to me,” or “I’m right about life and myself and God hasn’t a clue.” These kinds of comments show that depression is about wrong worship, lack of submission, and misplaced trust.

Encouraging Your Friend

Discussing the history, story, and life of the person who is presenting depression to you will reveal the intricacies of the depression he is experiencing. Ask numerous questions pertaining tofeelings and emotions. Depression is a mood, an expressed emotion, a feeling about life and so the depression can be spoken of as a noun at times. What is the depression telling you? What are you experiencing as the depression takes you in its grip? Tell me the feelings you experience in your story as depression comes upon you.

You are asking these kinds of questions, not because you think talking about life will magically fix anything. You are simply getting to know him and find out what he is experiencing. You are also working to help him see himself in his story and to see Jesus in his story. Suffering is not a situation in which to be alone (2 Cor. 1:7, 7:6-7). The way you talk with her will be redemptive and incarnational as you examine her various stories through the lens of Scripture. As we said in the earlier meetings, you always want to bring everything back to Jesus and where he is in her story. If he isn’t in her story, you need to surprise your friend with his strong desire, willingness, and urge to enter into her life (Mt. 11:28-30).

Depression reveals the heart. Who are you trusting, serving, and believing? The problem of the human heart is misplaced trust. The person suffering from depression is seeing the results, in their body, of this misplaced trust. They have sinned against God and man and their bodies are reacting to that sinful and guilty state. Ed Welch says that depression does not appear from nowhere (p. 106), it has its reasons. Why is it here in this place, now? What is going on? How is your friend reacting to life’s circumstances? What is she feeling and thinking as these things are coming together around her? What is she actuallydoing as a result? Why is she doing it? What is she trying to accomplish? How is that working out for her? What would God have asked of her that might have produced a different result? What can she do the next time to avoid this situation altogether? Generally, there is a significant story that has happened before the depression came to visit. Depression has its own story and is often the result of a story. Listen to her weave experiences and emotions together in her story. Come along side your friend. Reflect Christ to her and let him overwhelm her with his love and hope. Hope is something that depression is devoid of, so you want to pile it on.

Depression can also take on an accusatory look. In the Bible, Satan is the accuser (Rev. 12:9-10). It is important to point out to your friend that God loves her more than she does and God does not accuse. He convicts, but once she admits her sin and desires to repent, he forgives and in the process showers mercy and grace on her in abundant measure. It is important for you to help her see that we were never meant to carry the load that depression puts on us. Help her to take her load to Jesus and let him have it (Mt. 11:48). Help her to see that Jesus took our shame on himself and made it so that she can be above her shame by putting that on Jesus as well (Rom. 10:7-11; 1 Pet. 2:6-8). She need not be concerned for the things of her past anymore. God does not remember them (Heb. 10:15-18) and neither should she.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Recommended Resources

Ben Palpoint, A Small Cup of Light: A Drink In The Desert

Edward Welch, Depression, Looking Up From the Stubborn Darkness

Martin Lloyd-Jones, Spiritual Depression

Wayne Mack, Out of the Blues

John Piper, When the Darkness Will Not Lift

Robert Somerville, If I’m a Christian, Why Am I depressed?

Read Full Article

Fear, Worry, & Anxiety

Christ Church on

Download Audio

Text

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.  “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Mat 6:19-34)

Introduction

The motto of many twenty-first century Christians seems to be, “Why trust when you can worry?” Some realize it is wrong and try to hide their worry by giving it other titles such as “concerned,” “troubled,” “disturbed,” “interested,” or “bothered.” Regardless of the term used, worry saps your energy, drains your joy, destroys vision, curtails evangelism, and aggravates physical ailments. Unfortunately, it is also contagious—easily caught and fearfully experienced.

Worry Defined

The Greek word for worry is merimnao, a combination of two words—merizo(to divide) and nous(mind). Worry actually means “a divided mind.” In the Bible, the word is translated “worry,” “anxious,” “anxiety” or “care.” It is not to be confused with diligent care and concern toward your responsibilities (2 Cor 11:28; Phil 2:20; Gal 4:19). Also, planning that acknowledges God’s sovereignty is not worry (James 4:13).  Worry is over-anxious concern regarding the future and trepidation that keep a person from fulfilling current biblical responsibilities.

Worry is Sinful

In Matthew 6:19-34 Jesus addressed worry and He forbade it three times (vv. 25, 31, 34). The Apostle Paul also tells believers to, “Be anxious for nothing …. ” (Phil 4:6). Christ’s teaching in Matthew 6 exposes the two sinful roots of worry and the cure for each.

A Word About Fear & Worry

In the bible Fear is often spoken of in the same sense as worship. Fear produces worship. What we fear dictates what we worship. What we worship determines how we worship. What we fear/worship is either the Living God, or an idol. As we talk about worry and anxiety, you should know that fear is never distant. We worry because we fear. We are anxious because we fear. And we fear because we do not fear God rightly.

Worry is Idolatry, and the Solution is Repentance (Matt 6:19-25)

Idolatry means to worship someone or something other than the true and living God.  It means giving yourself to some person, goal, ideal, concern or object rather than Christ. And it means putting your desires above God’s desires and commands for your life. It is allowing your concerns about the future, situations, and material objects to be more important than thinking and acting God’s way. Worry expresses idolatry in the heart (v. 21).

When we worry we tend to have an inordinate focus on:

Material objects (vv. 19-21)

Goals (vv. 22-23)

People (v. 24)

The things you worry about reveal your idols—finding a mate, getting a promotion, health, money, success, children, peoples’ opinions, etc. Jesus declares that you cannot serve God and something or someone else simultaneously (v. 24). A worrier needs to be called to confess his false master, false gods, and false refuges and renew his faith in Jesus Christ, His Savior and Lord.

Worry is unbelief and the Solution is Faith (Matt 6:25-34)

Jesus described worriers as people of “little faith” (v. 30). The presence of worry indicates that there is someone or something you are living for other than the Lord. There are two senses in which Jesus says, take up your cross and follow me (Mt. 16:24; Mk. 8:34; Lk. 9:23). First, when we come to Christ for the first time we are invited/commanded to consider the cost of following Christ and it is likened to dying. Second, in Luke he says to take up our cross daily, which seems to indicate an ongoing series of choices that need to be made. In everything, and in every way,  we are to choose between the world, our desires, our longings, our fears, and Jesus. Take up your cross and follow Jesus. The worrier should be helped to identify the specific idols and lies that are ruling him and called to confess them as sin.

The fruit of repentance for someone who worries will be manifesting faith in God by disciplining his mind to focus on:

God’s care for mankind, argument from the lesser to the greater (vv.25-30)

God’s omnipotence, He knows your needs (vv. 31-32)

God’s promises are real (vv.33)

Pleasing God by caring for today’s responsibilities (v. 34).

The idolatry and unbelief of worry is to be replaced by a worship of and faith in God.

This will manifest itself in a lifestyle marked by:

1) Right relationship with God (Phil 4:6, 7)do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. This relationship makes grateful petitions to God; is characterized by confesses worry as sin; is governed by an active peace; and gives hope. Instead of worrying about things that cannot be changed we are to pour our hearts out to God, understanding that he loves us, is good, and wants to be our all in all. It shows itself when we make general as well as specific requests, requests for God s love and care; for how He is using the trial to spur growth; for the peace He provides. We make it our goal to please him (2 Cor. 5:9).

2) Right thinking (Phil 4:8)Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things: Faith, a clear conscience, and thankfulness frees the mind to be used correctly. The mind will need to be disciplined to “dwell on these things” (not thosethings). Plan according to biblical principles and priorities; be solution oriented in dealing with problems. Study and meditate on other passages such as John 14; 1 Peter 5:6-7; Psalms 27, 37, 46, 56, 73, 94.

3) Right acting (Phil 4:9)What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me– practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you; Focus attention and energy into fulfilling today’s responsibilities. Live your theology. Learn from the lifestyle of productive Christian leaders. Read biographies. Sing hymns and study the authors’ lives.

*Note the progression: Right Praying 🡪 Right Thinking 🡪 Right Acting

Fear

Introduction

Some sins are so common among Christians that they appear to be acceptable behavior. Fear and Worry would certainly be near the top of the list. We will consider them together in this study because of the similarities between both problems and their solutions.

True or False?

Fear, per se, is not wrong.

In Scripture, Jesus is never said to be afraid.

The fear of God is the only thing that removes allother fears.

God warns us over 450 times in the Bible not to fear.

Genesis 3:10 is the first occurrence of fear in the Bible.

Fear is a feeling of anxiety and agitation caused by the presence or nearness of perceived danger, evil, pain, etc.

Fears That Are Right

Fear of God (Ecc 12:13,14; 2 Cor 5:10; Prov 1:7)

Fear of danger (Job 41:33; Gen 4:14,15; 1 Cor 6:19-20)

Fear Due to guilt (Prov 28:1; Matt 14:1-2; Lev 26:17-18,36)

*Summary: Fear is right and good when it moves us toward God and biblical behavior.

Fears That Are Wrong

Fear of man, not God. (John 12:42-43; Luke 12:4-5)

Fear of things temporal, rather than eternal. (Luke 12:4-5; 1 Cor 4:5)

Fear of things we cannot Change (Pro. 3:25; Gen 4:14)

*Summary: Fear is wrong and sinful when it is allowed to motivate thinking and behavior that is unbiblical.

Keys to Overcoming Sinful Fear

Develop a strong God focus. (Gal 1:10; 2 Cor 5:9,10; Isa 26:3; Ps 46:1-10).

Deal with guilt biblically. (Prov 28:1; 1 John 1:9; Matt 5:23,24).

Develop love as the antidote to fear. (1 John 4:15-21, esp. 17-19; 2 Tim 1:7; 1 Cor 13).

View fearful situations as opportunities to grow for God’s glory. (Rom 8:25-29; Matt 5:16; 1 Cor 6:19, 20).

Meditate on and memorize key Scriptures. (2 Tim 1:7; Ps 163:5-7; 1 Pet 5:7 and others mentioned above)

Selected Resources

Adams, Jay E. “What Do You Do When Fear Overcomes You?” Phillipsburg, N J: Presbyterian and Reformed Publishing Co., 1975.

Bridges, Jerry. Trusting God. Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1988.

Fitzpatrick, Elyse. Overcoming Fear, Worry, and Anxiety. Eugene: Harvest House Publishers, 2001.

Jones, Robert D. “Getting to the Heart of Your Worry.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling, volume 17, number 3, 1999, 21-24.

MacArthur, John F., Jr. Anxiety Attacked: Applying Scripture to the Cares of the Soul. Colorado Springs, CO: Chariot Victor Publishing, 1993.

Welch, Edward T. “Learning the Fear of the Lord: A Case Study.” The Journal of Biblical Counseling, volume 16, number 1, 1997, 25-27.

Welch, Edward T. When People are Big and God is Small. Phillipsburg: p & R Publishing, 1997.

Welch, Edward T. Running Scared, New Growth Press, 2007.

Welch, EdwardT. What Do You Think of Me? Why Do I Care?: Answers to the Big Questions of Life. New Growth Press, 2011.

Welch, EdwardT. When I Am Afraid: A Step By Step Guide Away From Fear and Anxiety. New Growth Press, 2008.

Possible homework assignments over the course of the counseling

  • Read Jay Adam’s pamphlet What to Do When You Worry All the Time. Mark the ten most helpful sentences. Write a 1-3 sentence personal application of what you have learned.
  • Read Jay Adam’s “How to Handle Trouble.” Mark the ten most helpful sentences. Write a 1-3 sentence personal application of what you have learned.
  • Read Christ and Your Problems by Jay Adams. Mark the ten most helpful sentences. Write a 1-3 sentence personal application of what you have learned.
  • Keep a log of when you worry. Record:
  • What happened (time/date/circumstances)?
  • What were you thinking or feeling as it was unfolding?
  • What did you do?
  • What did you want to accomplish by what you did?
  • What would God have said you should have done?
  • Read Matthew 6 four times in the next week. Each time record one verse related to worry and what you should think and do as a result of the truth in that verse.
  • Read Philippians 4:4-9 and write a one-page essay on “How to have the peace that surpasses understanding.”
  • Memorize Philippians 4:4-9
  • Summarize Philippians 4:4-9 in 2-4 easily memorable steps. Write them on three 3×5 cards and post them in three conspicuous places. When you are tempted to worry, quote Philippians 4:4-9 then go through the steps.
  • Make a “think” list of specific truths and promises of God to meditate on when you start to worry.
  • Make a “prayer” list of problems you tend to worry about. Pray daily for wisdom and strength to handle them.
  • Memorize Isaiah 26:3
  • Memorize 2 Corinthians 5:9 and Romans 8:28-29
  • Make a list of the problems you worry about. Answer the following questions about each concern:
  • What is the specific problem?
  • What have I done about it?
  • What do Biblical principles command me to do about it?
  • What steps am I going to take to address the problem?
  • Begin reading In the Arena of the Mindby John Vandegriff. (Mark the 3-5 most helpful sentences in each chapter. Write a 1-3 sentence personal application of each chapter.)

Read Full Article