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Marriage and the World’s End (Get Married & Stay Married #5)
Christ Church on March 26, 2023
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Marriage Snarls (Get Married & Stay Married #4)

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INTRODUCTION

Most folks enjoy their ruts. They find a way of doing things, and that’s the way it should be done. But occasionally, along comes some technological innovation, or some brilliant genius. The way you’ve always done things is suddenly upended, and you can’t imagine ever doing it the old way again. Christ’s life, death, and resurrection was the epitome of completely changing how to do things. Christian marriage, then, should have a similar effect. As people see your marriage, they should be left scratching their heads going, “I’ve never seen it done this way before, but I want that.”

THE TEXT

Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering; Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye. […] Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:12-13;18-19).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Unity in human society is impossible without Christ’s atonement. The people of God are to wear the uniform; the uniform is Christ and His righteousness. We must note the flow of Paul’s thought. Your affections must rest in Christ on high (3:1-4). You must fight to the death against evil desires and deeds, and put off all the rowdiness of the sinful nature (3:5-8). That is who you once were, but you aren’t that now.

You are chosen, beloved, and holy. This in turn leads to a particular way of doing things; a way that is profoundly counter cultural, to every culture not built on Christ. This looks like large-heartedness. Kindness. Humility. Meekness. You have a long fuse (v12). Along with this comes a clear cut way of dealing with violations of this holy way of living: forbearance or forgiveness (v13). Covering or confronting. All of this is to be done in imitation of the Love of God (v13b-17). This is how true community is formed. God, in Christ, has forgiven you, so you forgive others. Forgive us our debts, as we we forgive those who are indebted to us.

Nevertheless, a besetting sin of Christians is thinking that we could be very holy if it weren’t for all the people. So, Paul locates the playing field for us. This Christ-like way of doing things should be seen first and foremost in the life of a Christian marriage. Wives are to array themselves under their own husbands, for it is fitting (v18, Cf. v17). Husbands are to love their wives, without harboring or causing bitterness (v19).

LEMON JUICE IN THE PAPER CUT

It shouldn’t escape your notice that Paul’s instruction for wives & husbands is in the context of this “new way of being human” in Christ. The patience, humility, and sacrificial love described are not just nice plays drawn up on the chalkboard. This play is to be executed “in game”.

But where are wives & husbands most likely to be tested in their endeavor to be Christlike but in the failures of their spouse? It is easy to be sweet, kind, and cheerful when everything is sunny. But what about when she’s doesn’t obey her husband’s decision? Or when he thoughtlessly neglects to tell her he’ll be home late from work? When she does an end-around on her husband, getting the in-laws to take her side? When he gets cranky about sexual regularity?

This is why, in order for a marriage to go the distance, both husband & wife must put on Christ. They must imitate His forgiveness towards them in their forgiveness to each other. This won’t be easy. Without divine grace, you will be unable to give grace.

A husband who doesn’t love his wife well, or a wife who routinely disregards her husband’s authority will provoke the other to fill up the relational garage with boxes full of aired (and unaired) grievances. Things get really bad when his box ends up on her side of the garage. But where will a wife need to most likely extend forgiveness but when her husband fails to provide the love he ought? Where will a husband most need to forgive but where she runs roughshod over him?

So, Paul’s command to Christians in general, and then applying it more directly to married couples, rings loud and clear: forbear or forgive. Let it slide, or confess/confront it. Either way, you aren’t ignoring the sin or offense, you are dealing with it as Christ commands. You must not, however, wait until your relational garage could be featured on an episode of Hoarders. Keep it tidy, don’t let grievances pile up.

BONFIRE OF JOY

This “live differently” project must be spearheaded by husbands. Husbands should be a bonfire of joy in the midst of their home. Husbands, you set the tone. You provide the warmth. You are your home’s brightness. The family should want to gather around you, not because you are such a narcissist, but because you are a bonfire of joy in Christ and joy in them. This means more than just “be there.” It means “be there, and be joyful.”

James warns that ungodly ruckuses begin through wrong desires, disordered affections (Jas. 4:1-10). We see this in toddlers, and then pretend we adults are too advanced for such petty rivalry. But husbands, your wife is not your competitor, she is your helper. You lay down your life, that by God’s grace He might raise you up into great glory. You work your tail off in sacrificial toil, while humming a joyful tune through it all. You bring the irrepressible joy, and your wife will gladly crown that joy.

IN-LAWS, MONEY, INTIMACY, KIDS

Now, it almost goes without saying, but the greatest arenas of provocation in marriage usually center around a small group of issues. Like clockwork, marriage issues arise around in-laws, money, intimacy, and child-rearing. In a majority of instances, conflict can usually be avoided through the kindness that is clear communication.

Write it down. Explain to the in-laws where the boundaries are. Put it on the schedule. Implement a solid budgeting tool. Get on the same page regarding discipline and child-rearing issues. Too many couples assume their spouse is a mind-reader.  Then are disappointed when they discover this isn’t the case. But in all these areas, it will take mutual forbearance (and forgiveness) to work through the presenting challenges. Again, much of it can be relieved by interacting with clear lines (writing it down, scheduling, frank conversations), instead of vague shrugs or telepathy.

GOLDEN RULE, GOLDEN MARRIAGE

Many couples are wonderful people to their friends, co-workers, and colleagues. But when it comes to their marriage they are constantly aggravated and aggravating. Christ’s way of doing things should be jaw-dropping to the world around us. You once walked this way, but now you have put off the evil scheme of rivalry (Col. 3:7-8). Or as Paul says in another place, “And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God (1 Cor. 6:11).”

Christ bears with your many failures, sins, flaws, and faults. He does not treat you as you deserve. But this doesn’t mean He doesn’t deal with your sin. He has made a way for you to be finally and fully forgiven. Not only that, but His Spirit is at work in you to subdue all remaining corruption. Look to Him, and then do as you’d be done by.

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Heirs Together (Get Married & Stay Married #3)

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INTRODUCTION

Waiting for something good is a strange mixture of pain & pleasure. Its agony mixed with expectancy. Christmas morning. A brisket. A bonus check. The wedding day. The birth of a child. The Eternal God placed us in time, which necessarily means waiting. This is poignantly true for engaged couples longing for their wedding day, or a single hoping for a good mate. But marriage isn’t the destination, it’s a waypoint. God wants to teach us to both rejoice in contentment for current blessings, while faithfully awaiting future glories.

THE TEXT

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered (1 Peter 3:7).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

Peter has instructed wives to sweetly submit to their husbands. Doing so may win even unbelieving husbands to the faith (1 Pt. 3:1-2 ). How much more of a blessing this will be to a believing husband? A wife’s manner of meekness & quietness is of great price & very precious in God’s sight (1 Pt. 3:3-4). Holy women of old set a wonderful example for godly women in all ages: their trust in God was manifested by obedience to their own husbands. A godly woman is to be fearless & faithful in good works (1 Pt. 3:5-6).

Peter then turns his attention to husbands, and admonishes them to not be blockheads. The wife’s duty of submission should be sweetened by an ocean of her husband’s love & wisdom. He is to be continually present. He is to be prudent. He is to enthrone her with honor. He shouldn’t think of her like camping gear; she’s fine china. Of utmost importance, they are heirs together of the grace of life.

Paul warned (Cf. 1 Cor. 7:32-35) that marriage could become an impediment to religious service, if gone about with mindless carnality. Here Peter doesn’t contradict that warning, but instead affirms & clarifies it. If a husband & wife dwell together rightly the prayers they offer (whether separately, jointly, or with the congregation) won’t be hindered.

Strife and division is strictly forbidden (Jas. 3:14), and called an abomination (Pro. 6:19). How much more in the sanctuary of marriage should there be unity? The squabbling & fights that fill many marriages is a clear impediment to prayer. It’s hard to sincerely worship God when you just ripped into your spouse with a string of nasty complaints or curses.

This text also serves as an inoculation against the rampant individualism of our culture. A husband & wife are heirs together. Of course, your marital status doesn’t determine your justification. But if you are married, your union with your spouse is impacted by being joint-heirs of grace (Cf. 3:1-2, 1 Cor. 7:14).

LOVE YOUR WIFE

The danger for many husbands is to come to love the idea of your wife. Loving the idea of your wife leads to a simmering resentment. She’s not living up to some ideal you’ve concocted in your imagination, and so you become a muttering grump of a husband. Distant, dissatisfied, and dishonoring to your wife. Crushing her, instead of lifting her up. In a word, the opposite of Peter’s instruction.

In one place, Paul taught, “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them (Col. 3:19).” This is a more succinct version of Peter’s teaching. Husbands, you must love this woman who has cast her entire life into your hands, for better or for worse. Paul’s warning is an intriguing one. Some render it as do not be harsh, others render it as not to be bitter against the wife. The traffic flows both ways here. Say he’s a grumble-muffin towards his wife, his presence fills the house with too much bleach, becoming a cause of bitterness in her. He is to both refrain from being bitter, and being a cause for bitterness. He is to not be harsh, nor harbor harsh thoughts towards his wife.

Substituting loving your wife, with loving an idol in the shape of your wife will inevitably lead to ungodly anger. Angry husbands (particularly if they are Christians) can get quite clever in the way they express or hide their anger. Don’t pride yourself that you’ve become more clever at hiding your anger or frustration at your wife. Rather, expunge that anger at the first sign. Love her. Draw her into your life. Cherish her, and dignify her by bringing her to stand by your side through thick and thin. She’s your glory.

HIS QUEEN & HER CROWN

This leads to address what many wives commonly misconstrue. Particularly in our feminist age. To admonish husbands in the above way, is not to absolve women of any duty to grow in grace & glory. But rather it is to highlight that as a husband surrounds his wife with houses & bank accounts & cupboards & cribs filled with his manifested love, she is to become a fruitful vine in this greenhouse of his love. The temptation for many women is to nit-pick their husband, criticize how he leads, question his every move, and spend her attention on matters outside her household.

To quote a pastor of a previous era, a wife who embraces Scripture’s teaching on what a godly wife is, is nothing short of a queen & a crown to her household: “Her spirit gives the home its atmosphere. Her hands fashion its beauty. Her heart makes its love. And the end is so worthy, so noble, so divine, that no woman who has been called to be a wife, and has listened to the call, should consider any price too great to pay, to be the light, the joy, the blessing, the inspiration of a home (J.R. Miller).”

A wife has the capacity to inspire her husband to be greater than he’d ever imagined, achieve more than he ever thought, and grow beyond his largest hopes. Or she can tear it all down (Pro. 14:1). A husband must build a bulwark of love around his wife, and she should fill that castle with glory, peace, and joy. Wives, make it your aim to regularly adopt JR Miller’s advice and, “Whisper a new word of courage to his heart.”

THE GRACE OF LIFE

The splendor of marriage is such that Christians have been tempted to turn it into a sacrament. Some interpret the Apostle Peter’s words here as ground for such a view. But Christ isn’t imparted or administered to us in marriage. Rather, He is displayed. He’s showcased as a couple walk in the Spirit’s unity. To be an heir requires long-suffering. Waiting. In Baptism & the Supper we truly receive Christ. In marriage we’re taught too long for the fullness of our inheritance. Husbands & wives you either partake of these things in a wonderful and unique togetherness, or else invite the curses of grace received in vain.

God, in Christ, has made you a partaker of His divine nature. Christ has received all things as His inheritance, and He has given you the Spirit. The Spirit leads you into all truth. He takes from Christ and gives to you. This is so you can give thanks for past faithfulnesses, walk uprightly in this present moment, and long with evangelical faith for the High Countries.

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As An Army with Banners (Get Married & Stay Married #2)

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INTRODUCTION

We turn now to see what instruction the Word of God gives us as it regards young women. Perhaps more than any other demographic in our current environment, young women are beset with draconian lies. All of which will lead to some degree of unfruitfulness & heartbreak for those who adopt the world’s thinking. In God’s Word, young women are held in high honor, while also called to high holiness.

THE TEXT

Who is she that looketh forth as the morning, fair as the moon, clear as the sun, and terrible as an army with banners? (Song of Songs 6:10).

SUMMARY OF THE TEXT

In Solomon’s song of love, we find numerous veiled descriptions of the unveiled glory of the love between a husband & his bride. In this verse were allowed a glimpse of sanctified feminine glory.

What did the Beloved see when he beheld his chosen bride? He saw a new day dawn. He saw the creation of a new world; evening & morning, and it was good. He saw Sun, Moon, and Stars. In gazing upon her, he beheld a coming heavenly host of covenant-keeping offspring. Rank upon rank of saints would come from her bearing & nurturing. Indeed, by her host of virtues & charms his affections have been captured. This description gives daughters of the Lord something to emulate. Adorned outwardly and inwardly with a host of glorious virtues.

THE MAKING OF VOWS

The besetting sin of modern American’s is individualism. Nowhere is this more evident than in how women are taught to view themselves. A daughter has authority, but she’s also under authority (Num. 30:3-5). The point here is that a daughter can lawfully make vows, but her vows are not like the unalterable law of the Medes and Persians. Her vows are lawful, but not absolute. If her father, or later her husband, were to overrule her vow, she’s not broken her vow.

Further, this arrangement keeps her from the folly of a rash vow. A young woman would be guarded from some sweet-talker who coaxed her into a “secret engagement”. This also shows us that her father has authority over his daughter’s romantic commitments.

Eager suitors should bear in mind that they ought not treat young women as if they are autonomous islands. If he desires her to marry him, submit to his headship, receive her respect, the first step in commanding her respect is for him to show respect & deference to her father’s authority over her. Rejecting both recreational dating & hook-up culture should mean that a young couple’s approach to romance be bounded by Biblical wisdom. This means not treating authority as if it’s a dirty word.

UNDER AUTHORITY

Too often, though, instead of replacing the world’s model of two fools messing around, conservative Christians replace it with six fools making a hash of things. Overbearing moms, overly scrupulous parents, tight-fisted dads, poor communication of expectations, standards, guidelines, and throw in a few younger siblings doing their (very experienced) 2¢ and you have curdled the relationship from the get-go.

A young woman should not view her duty to submit to her father, and eventually a husband, as a cumbersome obstacle to her life. Fathers in particular, and parents in general, should set out to ensure that their authority in a daughter’s life is one of blessing. It will only be a blessing if it’s marked by our Heavenly Father’s generosity. He piles on the grace, the love, the protection, and the gifts and yet also refuses to indulge our follies, vices, or the wolves who would devour us.

In short, there are four options for a single woman in regards to authority. Being under authority is inescapable, but that is the case for us all. There’s lawful but ungodly authority: a miserly father, who bears rule with an iron fist, or has long ago abdicated. There’s unlawful & ungodly authority: the modern feminist mindset which deludes with phantom autonomy. There’s unlawful & godly authority: she might find a fine young man, but he isn’t her authority. Finally, lawful and godly authority: a loving father who cherishes her, protects her, and guides her (and any suitor who comes along) from the structure of his faithful home into her own godly home.

PASSIVE ≠ INACTIVE

So, while it’s a young woman’s duty to submit, first to her father’s leadership and protection (as long as it’s Scriptural), and then to consent to the advances of an eligible suitor, this doesn’t mean that she’s to loll about in idleness. She isn’t relieved of duty, activity, purpose, or industry. The description which Scripture gives of holy women is that of vigorous action even while under submission. Sarah, Ruth, Rahab, Tamar, Jael, Proverbs 31, Abigail, the daughters of Zelophehad, and Hannah depict this is a variety of situations (some with godly heads, others with ungodly). While in relation to the lawful authority over them they are in a passive position of receiving, what is given into their hands to do is to be done with vigor and joy.

Modern thinking wants young women to be content only with being lawmakers unto themselves. The insistence upon the “my body, my choice” paradigm, along with the unquestioning affirmation of every choice, has taught America’s daughters to dwell in a state of constant vulnerability. They aren’t protected. They’re the prey of carnal men who will use them to gratify their endless lust & greed. The feminist arrangement works out quite well for both the lecherous creep & the $500 haircut CEO.

An unmarried woman shouldn’t adopt the notion that self-fulfillment is found in some journey of self-discovery out in the wilds of corporate America, or in the woods of some Yoga resort where you heal from all the trauma of growing up in the most prosperous, care-free time in all history. A young women should be preparing herself as if she is about to be hired to be a caretaker of a thousand acre vineyard & winery. Thus, she should be cultivating savvy wordsmithing; she should commit dozens of delicious recipes to memory; she should understand a profit & loss spreadsheet; and she should probably work to become a whiz at making grass stains disappear from jeans.

Young women should understand that they are the producers of the world’s most precious commodity: children made in the image of God. This is why the OT Law put severe sanctions on the craven lusts of men, in order to protect the chastity of daughters. This is why daughters were not sent into Israel’s wars. Preparing for motherhood isn’t preparation for obscurity. It’s preparation for bearing & rearing a host of godly saints, trained up to love & fear the Lord all their days. She raises humans who will make advances in science, art, discovery, and justice, while also fulfilling our Lord’s assignment for the Church to bring this world under the dominion of Christ’s Word. Young mom’s have the opportunity to create a habitat in which the early years of their children are marked by joy, discipline, nurture, love, beauty, and peace. You are preparing to oversee the formation of tens of thousands of worshippers of the Lord Jesus. While you wait for a husband, you need not wait to become industrious.

IN WROUGHT GOLD

Returning to our text, a young woman preparing for marriage should bring to mind an army readying for battle. Your single years are the boot-camp & the staging area for a Gospel invasion of the remaining outposts of evil & darkness. Marriage and motherhood is where those exercises are put into action. Moms do in miniature what the Church does at full scale.

Scripture prohibits women from military combat, while simultaneously evoking military imagery for the glory of a woman. This is not accidental. The war is not out there where the guns are, the war is whether mankind will worship the Risen Christ.

And here is where our theology meets our living. The Church receives Christ’s love, and is made lovely. Your love is made perfect in Christ & by Christ (1 Jn. 4:17). The bride is arrayed in wrought gold, fine needlework, and beaming with glory within (Ps. 45:13). In Christ, God has arrayed the saints in golden robes of righteous. This is all of grace.

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Get the Girl (Get Married & Stay Married #1)

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INTRODUCTION

The Gospel we preach is potent because it restores in Christ what was ruined in Adam. Throughout Scripture, high and lofty theological discourses are often followed by “now husbands.…” Or “teach these things to you children.” This sets doctrine in the midst of community; and marriage is the fundamental building block of community. Modern redefinitions of marriage are like a contractor substituting concrete for silly putty. We currently live in a culture that’s trying to build skyscrapers this way. So faithful Christians, in living out the Gospel glories of Christ winning His bride, must labor to cultivate & maintain godly marriages.

THE TEXT

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

MADE FOR COMMUNITY

The creation narrative ends with a wedding. Our text describes how all subsequent marriages are to occur: the tie between father & son is left (not ended) in order for the son to be bound fast unto his wife. The community of parents is forsaken in order to enter into the sweeter community of marriage. And from this communion of husband and wife an increase of community. Community is not decreased by marriage, it is increased, sweetened, and heightened.

But this text also clues us in to what happens in this cleaving. The man & his wife are made one. This all follows from God revealing to Adam his task of dressing and keeping the garden (Gen. 2:15-17). Although Adam is created similarto the beasts, there’s no companion for him amongst them (Gen. 2:18-20). It is not good for man to be alone.

Amidst the good of God’s creation, we find that the one thing “not good” was Adam’s incompleteness. Man was not made for isolation, but for communion; communion with God, and then communion with neighbor. Thus, a single man eager to  pursue marriage isn’t being ungodly, but he is pursuing the Love God, Love Neighbor paradigm which Scripture sets forth as a life of true holiness.

BEFORE CHOOSING A BRIDE

From this we can glean a few instructive lessons for young men who would honor God in wooing & winning a bride. Young men must recognize that they were made for an aim. They were made for a mission. God gave unto man the task of protecting and providing. Boys & young men should be taught what their strength is for: not taking, but creating.

The Scriptures give us a helpful description of what a young man should be aiming for and spending his strength on. In other words, if a young man desires to honor the Lord, he is not left to guess at where he should be headed. Young men should be strong (Pro. 20:29). Young men should be sober minded; men of gravity (Tit. 2:6). Young men should be noted for strength & overcoming the devil (1 Jn. 2:14-15). Lastly, and most importantly, young men should be mindful that their youth will fail, but waiting upon God will be an eternal fountain of strength (Is. 40:30-31).

This last point is of utmost important. A man who looks to himself to be filled, will soon find himself empty. Amos warned Israel that as they would not hear and heed God’s word, the curse would land upon them in the form of fainting young men and maids (Amos 8:13, Cf. Is. 51:20).

You’re a contingent being. Even the strength of young men isn’t enough to save them. It will fade. It will falter. It will fail. But in the Lord is an unwearying supply of strength. A new birth, a renovation, is the only way to truly live. In other words, the word to young men is the word to us all, rest in the power of Christ alone. Having this frame of mind, for all of life, is the only way for a young man to keep his way pure (Ps. 119:9). This is poignantly true in regards to pursuing marriage.

FINDING A WIFE

A young man desiring to find a wife is a good thing, but this goodness is not automatic. Better to live in the Australian outback, than with a brawling wife. But of course, a godly wife has a price far above rubies. A bachelor should think of himself as a treasure hunter, not a museum curator. As such, he must bear a few things in mind.

Contrary to the modern sentiment, romance isn’t a hobby. In the last decade or two, a seismic shift has taken place. Dating was an expected recreational activity of young people. Find a boyfriend/girlfriend, for as long as it suited your fancy. However, this was understood to be a temporary arrangement. You need to play the field in order to know what you like. Or so the “thinking” went. It’s been observed that this was divorce training, and that certainly hits near the mark.

Tragically, that removal of responsibility triggered an avalanche of sexual irresponsibility. We live in a moment where young men are increasingly withdrawing from even pursuing young women, while women are increasingly throwing themselves at the “top 20%” of men. The average young man has been incentivized into a neutered existence. The average young woman has been incentivized into an unchaste existence. This arrangement will be the ruin of our nation unless we repent and return to the ways of the Lord.

Christian young men should take to heart the wisdom of Solomon. Throughout the book of Proverbs the summons is for the son to recognize and flee from the seductive woman, and to pursue and cling to the virtuous woman. This comes back to my earlier point that young men should cultivate gravitas. A man without this Spirit-born gravity will be easily thrown out of orbit by every insta-babe that shows up on his feed. By contrast, a man who can say with David, “I shall not be moved”, will be the sort of man which lovely women of virtue will want to orbit.

Scripture, then, gives a broad category of two types of women: Lady Wisdom & Lady Folly. Or, to put this in NT terms: converted & unconverted. That narrows the pool. While the OT patriarchs selected brides for their sons from the extended family––and there is a certain wisdom that can be gleaned––we shouldn’t forget that provision was made for how a man might lawfully marry a foreign women (Deu. 21:10-14). There were a few more hoops to jump through, but it wasn’t unachievable. That said, wisdom would call for seeking a bride by starting close to home, and working outward from there. But only in the Lord (1 Cor. 7:39).

ROOTED IN CHRIST

But all of this is vanity if it is not rooted in Christ. The mystery of marriage is that while it brings a husband and wife to the heights of earthly joys, it isn’t an eternal arrangement. Marriage is bounded by earthly life (only death ought to end a marriage). Nevertheless, it is a parable of eternity. Young men are called upon to model their lives in conformity to Christ, the Church’s bridegroom. And this means learning to live so as to die. This means a life of sacrifice, selfless leadership, courage, all built on the faith which God gives by grace (Cf. 2 Pt. 1:5).

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