A Pastoral Position Paper -- Ben Alexander

INTRODUCTION

            In my first paper on parish life, I laid out a basic vision for a small group-parish ministry in the local church. In this second paper, the goal is to address common concerns and to show the practical possibilities.  I will discuss first some of the hindrances to developing parish life.  Second, I will argue for the need of being a “brother’s keeper,” taking responsibility for the mission of the church and the value of a family integrated ministry.  I will lay out some practical details on one way to run the meetings in the next section.  Fourthly, we must respond to some common concerns and objections to parish community life.  Fifth and last, I will talk about the concern of adding another program.

HINDRANCES TO PARISH LIFE

            Maybe you are convinced of the general importance of a church growing in love for one another but are not sure how to facilitate this. Perhaps you are not convinced the parish model is the best way; and, I would acknowledge, it may not be for every congregation.  However, I am convinced that the parish model is a great way to shore up the weaknesses of modern day living. What are some of the obstacles that will need to be overcome in order to facilitate such a model? 

The hindrance of not desiring a deeply relational ministry is significant.  The first step in building close covenant community is the battle of overcoming our lack of desire to love and trust one another. We have to want to know and love each other first.  Christians must be convinced that relational development in a church is top priority.  The Holy Spirit must convince men of this. 

We must address the hindrances of sin and logistical/practical snags.  We need to overcome obstacles by separating the mere logistical and practical hindrances from the basic hindrance of sin.  When sin is allowed to grow like persistent weeds in members lives, it affects the “garden” of the church significantly.  Sin destroys community.  Holiness unites it.  Logistical obstacles have to be overcome through persistent diligence.  It is not sinful to live far from other believers necessarily, but it will make things more difficult in the parish.  To a certain degree, we choose our joys and sorrows by the decisions we make in life.  For example, buying a house far from the body of believers in which you are in covenant.  If a family has the choice on this matter, they ought to prioritize the church by living close to its members for the purpose of their own and others growth.  By living physically close, many practical challenges to parish development are negated.  Laziness to overcome competing schedules and distance is a common American sloth.  No doubt, we can only be stretched so thin when we are trying to love and raise our families, and fulfill our vocations.  Having to drive 30 minutes to maintain some form of a relationship however, is not ideal.  This, again, points us to the need of having a parish organized where people actually live. 

Then there is the common obstacle of differences in standards between believers.  Do we want to raise our kids together? Or are we not sure? Do we really want to rub shoulders so close that it will necessitate the need for confrontation and rebuke? I do not readily desire this.  However, as the maxim goes, “No pain, no gain.” Healthy relationships, like healthy vines, must be pruned. Sometimes I do not want to raise my kids so close with others because I fear the negative influence of one family’s lack of discipline influencing my children.

This scenario can be a legitimate one. There are times when we need to sit down with the father of another family and be clear that our children will not be spending time with his, because we believe that he is not consistent in disciplining them. It is just this sort of conversation though, that can be the very thing the Lord uses to actually get this father to begin to be more consistent in his home! You see, this is covenant community. We are our “brother’s keeper.”

Other hindrances can be opposing personalities and uncommonality of those who actually do live close together in the church.  Jesus says in the Sermon on the Mount, “If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  For even sinners love those who love them.  If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you?  For even sinners do the same” Luke 6:32,33. It is hard to invest in those that are in a very different boat of life than we find ourselves.  We are not called to be best friends with someone that is very different than us, but we are called to love them sacrificially.  We should form close relationships with those who walk in a similar path, but never form a cloistered click that does not allow for others to join.

BROTHER’S KEEPER

             We have to endeavor to like our brothers and sisters. And if we do not, we must examine the desires of why we do not.  It is not as though we have to be everyone’s best buddy.  It is the case however, that we are responsible for each other.  Loving one another and liking one another are too closely bound to try and force apart.  It is much harder to love someone that you tell yourself you do not like.  We must take responsibility to be our “brother’s keeper.”  This entails taking responsibility for them, loving them, and yes, liking them.  They are your people.

EACH MEMBER TAKING RESPONSIBILITY

            Too often in our circles the responsibility for a church to thrive is placed upon the backs of the elders in an imbalanced way.  This may be an improvement from our Baptist brothers who tend to place this load on one man, the pastor, but the responsibility for a thriving church still lies in the body as a whole.  We all must take initiative to work, bringing in the Kingdom.  Each family and member must know where they fit in to build God’s house.  They have to nurture the vision themselves and “get on board.”  Often, the vision for a robust community is not a major priority of those in the church.  Why?  I think we too easily give up and throw our hands in the air at the numerous obstacles.  Relationships are messy and hard to maintain.  We would rather sink our hands into more pliable and manageable creations.  However, mature relational interaction is central to who God is for us and how He wants His people to be for each other.  We fear man and despise inconvenience when we have to address difficult problems in a relationship.  Our patience can be weak when we have to “put up” with some annoying bad character trait of a brother.  Ultimately though, the way we choose to order our lives reveals our priorities and our love for his local Church.  The Lord loves to show himself strong in those who demonstrate utter dependence on his Spirit through prayer for a healthy church. When we do pray fervently for each other, the Lord begins to form the desire in our hearts to care for one another properly.  The more healthy our hearts and attitudes are for each other, the less we will fear man and value others more, regardless of inconvenience.

FAMILY INTEGRATED MINISTRY

            What about the challenge of having lots of little ones around during these fellowships?  Some parents cannot imagine all their kids running around with other children while they are trying to carry on a conversation with other adults.  Babysitting is possible for the parish meetings but of course it is the parents who have the responsibility for how wild their children can be.  Babysitting should not be mandatory necessarily.  Age segregated ministries should be few and infrequent.  It tends to overwhelm the moms when dads are gone and one only need to look at the modern youth ministries in many churches to get an idea of the problems inherent in them.  Namely, it encourages foolishness and immaturity.  It is good to have select ministries to groups in the church, just not predominantly.  If families had older children they could take turns watching the smaller ones.  Or a few young ladies could volunteer to watch children in the basement of the host home as a ministry.  It would be a great goal to have the children participate in   the singing and eating portions of the evening, at the least.  Also, if the host home is large enough, one answer is that well-behaved children could go to a certain area of the house and play.  Children could also be with their parents, provided they are taught to keep quiet during times of interaction between adults. Of course, adults need to be flexible with interruptions from their children. This is a wonderful aspect of being a parent, and should not be scorned. All of this interaction and exposure between believers and their children will provide ample opportunity for the exposure of our shortcomings and faults, which is actually a good thing as it opens up one’s life for correction/encouragement from other saints. 

HOW WILL IT WORK IN THE DETAILS?

A basic model would look something like this:

            Ideally, each parish would have at least one host home, and a host leader in every major geographical area of the city.  This would keep parishes geographically close.  If people desire to drive 30 minutes to be a part of a group that meets across town, then so be it.  However, the desire would be people to have people that live close be in regular and consistent fellowship and discipleship with each other.  Twice a month a parish leader and his family open their home on a Friday night (this could change) for a roughly scheduled time of 2 hours, 7-9 pm.  Depending on the family and their desires and needs, it could go longer.  Singing of Psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs to each other would be a regular part of the parish meeting.  Each family would bring a snack or drink to share.  During the eating and singing time, the children would specifically be included and involved.  This is a family event, after all.  Time would be given for small talk and informal fellowship.  At roughly 7:45 (for sake of argument) would be the time for singing.  At roughly 8 to 8:10 the more formal time for fellowship would begin.  There are many possibilities.  For instance, this time could be invested in discussing the sermon and seeking to apply it in more detailed ways.  A basic Bible or book study could be done, which could be selected by the parish leader.  Towards the end of the evening, around 8:45, the host leader could go around the group and ask for prayer requests and a general report of how that family is doing. 

            What happens though if a wife chooses to talk negatively about her husband in implicit ways?  What happens if a person spills their “guts” about how they are really doing and it causes embarrassment among the group for him and themselves?  What about the potential for gossip in this kind of meeting?  How will complaining be handled by the group leader if some believers see that as a venue for venting against the leadership of the church? It is at this point where some substantial criticisms can be brought forward against the parish small group.  Let’s address these concerns in the next paragraph.

COMMON CONCERNS AND OBJECTIONS

            Godly leadership and skillful facilitation is essential in the model I have proposed.  If a member of the group is simply running his mouth in a destructive way, then the leader should gently correct him in the presence of all.  Here is an example.  “Bobby, I don’t think we should talk like this right now, let’s be thankful and guide our discussion towards encouraging one another.”  If the sin of a person in the group is more subtle, then it would be more appropriate for the parish leader/elder to pull that person aside in a private way.  

            This model is not a good venue for the leader to preach the whole night to everyone.  People need to be drawn out from themselves for edifying discussion.  I do not have in mind everyone around the room just letting all their feelings and frustrations out either.  When we do that in our own families, it is destructive.  The goal is to draw others out to speak truth and grace to each other in the guided discussion, not to blabber. 

            Leadership in the parish would have at least one elder ideally.  Additionally, having an elder who is skilled and trained in biblical counseling would be best to lead in such meetings.  This would be a man most equipped to handle the relational complexities that could arise.  If a brother dumps his life’s problems on everyone, then great!  Use that as an opportunity to pray for and encourage him.  Come alongside him and give him the room to act and communicate sloppily so that he may learn to be better.  Why must we feel that everyone must act with a certain level of maturity before we will let them into our lives?  It is not Christian to ostracize people because they have not reached the level of maturity that we think we have.

            If people have no venue in which they can openly share their struggles, then people begin to feel lonely.  Discouragement sets in and the disillusionment that follows makes fertile soil for the nasty root of bitterness.  Listening and praying for one another is a lost discipline in the reformed world.  We need to recapture it.  Sometimes doing just this sort of prayer time and small talk fellowship for the entire evening could be invaluable.  This would allow families to share and open themselves up to their brothers and sisters. This may take time for some families to get used to and feel comfortable with, but it is an important and valuable goal for us to attain as a church seeking more excellent maturity.

IS PARISH LIFE JUST ANOTHER PROGRAM!?

            Programs, programs, programs.  How can church programs help the Church’s developing maturity?  Often, it seems, church programs hinder genuine community.  Programs, defined as a set activity in the church that seeks to fulfill a need, can be just a shellacking the substance of its goal.  If people are good at being on time to an event, do their business at the church, pack up and head home by 8 so as to catch that program on TV, community building will be slow.  It takes time to get to know folks and it takes time to serve them.  If our schedules are too busy for other people, then we have a problem.  If people are not working, playing, and talking with each other during the “program,” then relationships take the back seat to whatever project needs to be accomplished.  Programs that get believers communicating with one another on a personal basis can be highly valuable.  In the “reformed world” we can be excellent in our conferences, lectures, and Bible studies heavily geared towards the act of teaching.  However, we tend to be weak in more personal one-on-one fellowship. Perhaps this is because men are tired of being made to feel that they must have what they feel is a feminized faith, so they resist the more personal interaction of “feelings.” A parish “program,” if you will, could avoid this by careful leadership and facilitation. Is this parish idea too centered on one personality type? I don’t believe it is.  It is not “feminine” or sentimentally sappy to talk with other Christians about how things are going and how they can pray for you. 

            Could it be that reformed types overreact against the abuses of other evangelical churches with how they run Bible studies and such?  Consider how we grow as Christians.  In the most significant times of your spiritual development how many of them happened without some person being used as a representative of Christ to you?  Mostly, God changes us through the ministry of others.  I think that the “reformed church” in general lacks a strong philosophy of how God grows people, and that is through other people themselves in close interaction.  At minimum, it is prioritizing the other person by spending ample amounts of time with them face to face, helping them connect the “dots of life.”  We Americans have a hard time with this reality.  Other cultures are superior in this regard.  We value projects and lectures more than talking, listening, and struggling with others in their lives.  It takes time and we often do not respect the time it takes to do those things well.   We grow though, not solely, but most significantly by a back and forth process of slow, organic, and mutual sharing of lives with others.  This is a philosophy of ministry that has as its core the centrality of relationships.  I can find no better grounding for this than the triune God.  This is who God is and how He changes us—through incarnations of himself in others to us, and us to others.  It is a personal ministry, in other words. 

            This is a simple idea to get members together in homes for food, fellowship, Bible study, singing, and prayer.  What can happen as a result of such a simple idea though, could be the actual sanctification of your church.

CONCLUSION

            Parish life is basic, and the proposal here is simple. We want our members to fellowship consistently and to build relationships over the long haul. The only way relationships can be deepened is through a disciplined commitment to pursue one another.

            A simple and healthy parish will create more activities on its own, like spontaneous fellowship, and will be less dependent on forced programs which can have a tendency to weary us.

A parish system will also cut out some programs that can be enfolded into the parish idea, e.g., parish psalm sings, and prayer groups.

            We will not attain to the level of community that most of us desire through the following alone: Benedicta Nocta’s, Disserenda’s, church potlucks, psalm sings, worship on Sunday, men’s forums, family camps, conferences, Calvin and Hops, choir commitments, etc. All of those ministries are necessary and part and parcel of building the kind of church culture that we want. However, we need a ministry that facilitates personal accountability and interaction.  We need a ministry that gets entire families fellowshipping.

            It is too easy in modern life to live off the radar of accountability and careful oversight from gifted shepherds of God’s church.  We need to create hospitable environments in our homes that allow us to be open in front of one another and to learn from each other.  If a family is just too busy to be involved with something like this, then so be it.  It would be sad, but they could aim to be a part of it when (Lord willing) their schedule could allow.

            Basic hospitality, like the parish proposal here can be a great tool for attaining as the New Testament puts it; “to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ,” (Eph. 4:13).

Let us attain to this goal by grace through committing ourselves to a regular time of fellowship with others in our geographical parish.

“Perhaps the greatest single weakness of the contemporary Christian church is that millions of supposed members are not really involved at all, and what is worse, do not think it strange that they are not.”[1] --Elton Trueblood

May the Holy Spirit be with us and remake us.